There's a difference between having a bad day and having a BAD day.... Today was a BAD day. It might have to do with the fact that I only got two hours of sleep last night, but then again it might also have to do with all the things that are due for finals by next Monday.
I know, you're thinking to yourself that I should just get to my work instead of writing this, but I've been going for hours and this brings me sanity so go with it...
I'm going to start off with a story and you might find it a little familiar.
Once upon a time there was a girl who had everything all figured out. She knew what she was going to do when she grew up and starting making the steps to get closer and closer to her future. This girl was indeed just a girl, not yet a woman. She was only 13 years old and the biggest problem that she had to deal with was getting laughed at in the hallway because of her lack of style. She got tired of this situation so she decided that she wasn't going to hide in the dark anymore. She started to explore the world that all of her peers had been introduced to for awhile now. She thought that this would make her popular, but it only gave those people more reasons to pick at her. She started to wish her life away wanting to grow up and start her life, but she felt as if the struggles were making the time go by slower and slower. She starting talking thinking that maybe someday the right person would listen and understand how much she was hurting on the inside, but no one ever did. No one took her problems seriously so she kept going back to them day after day trying to find hope through pain. One day she met a person that finally listened and she couldn't help but want to become the best person that she could be for him. She never considered it to be changing herself because she was just now trying to figure out who she was. Instead, she called him a friend. This made her happy and whenever she was with him, she felt safe and nothing could hurt her. She would do anything for this person no matter the cost.
Fast forward a couple of years. This girl is now 15 years old. She continued this friendship while she also tried to find love. She found a boy who talked to her and shared common interests with. She stayed with this boy so she would have assurance of never being alone. Eventually they both realized that they weren't meant for each other and they separated themselves from any hope of a future together. This girl felt alone once again and turned her life over to the temporary highs that the world provided.
She is now 18 years old. The past three years were spent at church building a relationship with the man that was always there for her. He listened to her and invited her into his family and treated her as one of his own. The girl left her family on the side of the road with no hope of recovering any of those relationships. She started to look for opportunities that would move her away from home. She knew that it was time for her to move on with her life and starting over was exactly that she needed. She changed her whole entire image and became what the world wanted her to be. She began to gain self-confidence in herself and liked what she saw in the mirror. After experiencing the change and attention that she got from her new body she decided that she would do anything to make sure that it would stay that way.
It's one year later, she's in a new world with new people and she is no longer known as the goodie two shoes Christian. She could be anyone that she wanted to be so she did. It was different not knowing anyone and having to start all over so she did what she did best and hid. She hid behind a man and gave him everything. After while she began to fight the feelings that were making her the person that she never wanted to be. The struggle was too real and she gave up on God in a heartbeat. She didn't even try to recover from this pain instead she just kept living within the pain because that's all she felt like she knew.
Present day. She's finally on the same page with God again. There's a different glow about her and she's not worried about finding a person to fill that void. Her decisions that she made in the past affect the things that happen in her life on a daily basis. She has days where she wishes that she could bury herself away and not have to deal with the world, and there are other days she feels like shes on top of the world. She wonders what people really thinks about her. She makes friends tells them her deepest darkest secrets hoping that it won't be published in the next newspaper. She started to notice that her life wasn't a secret anymore and people started to figure out who she really was. This astounded her because she didn't even know who she was yet. How could people know so much about who she was and she not even be able to make it through a day without falling to her knees begging for mercy. The definitions of herself that the world provided began to tear her apart and she wondered when her next opportunity would come so she could start over again. She stopped asking herself who she was and she started to believe the lies that surrounded her. She lives her life through the expectations that people already have of her. She can't be better than what they think so she just stops and puts a band-aid on hoping it will deliver herself from breaking down.
Today I called one of my best friends with the expectation of talking to his voice mail. He answered and listened to me and helped me to realize that it's not always the world that brings me down, but it's me not taking the time to say "no" to the world's assumptions. It's me not believing that I can be God's original masterpiece once again. The thing that makes me crazy about this girls story is that every time she tried to move forward and get right with God again, another challenge would hit her in the face. Preachers always tell you that's how it's going to be and as you can see, they are right. Was it because she gave in to the more tangible thing? Was it because she didn't want to be the person that the world would hate? Or is it because she would rather live in the challenges and pain instead of having it thrown at her while she tried to live a holy life?
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:6-7
Going back to square one in your Christian life doesn't mean that you have to run away and start over with new people. It simply means that you are ready to take the step to realized that God is always there and always willing to care for you in everything that you do. He's never going to leave you and even though there might be times when it feels like it, all it takes it one act of care and true love toward a person. In the scripture about The Walk to Emmaus, the people that were traveling were discussing the events of Christs death when Christ was right there. They were so caught up in the tragedy that they didn't even realize that He was there all along. Let me say that one more time. He was there all along. They wouldn't have recognized Him if they wouldn't have invited him in for dinner and cared about his well-being. It was one random act of kindness that showed themselves who Jesus was. It takes that sometimes. It's not selfish to look for God in everyday situations. It's selfish when we expect God to show up when we can't take it anymore. It's selfish when we put down God's power and believe that He is only good for the pain, but not good in our times of joy.
This is the beginning of the beginning. It's your move now... Let's not keep it a secret from the world.
Becca
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Sunday, April 27, 2014
April 27th...
On April 27th, 2008 one of the best things happened to me. I got the chance to be the person I really was without judgement from others. It was the most incredible experience of my life (so far at least!).
On April 27th First United Methodist Church hosted the very first night of a week long revival. I remember the commotion of the week. There was discussions about what type of worship services we were going to include and who was going to preach. The youth group got the first day while the traditional service got the last three days.
The youth group wanted to do something different, so we had a contemporary band, Jason Molitor speak, and a skit. This was before the church got a contemporary service so we thought that just like any other youth Sunday, people weren't going to show up. To our surprise, the church was packed. There were people sitting in folding chairs in the back and others standing in the balcony. I had never seen so many people fill the church and it was so exciting.
The attendance of the service wasn't the reason why I celebrate this day, the skit the youth performed is. At that point, "The Everything Skit" was just coming into the scene. I knew that this was something that I wanted to perform, but I didn't think that it would ever become a reality. Well, it did and it became one of the reasons that I love ministry.
While performing that skit, I got the chance to show people my deepest feelings and they responded with support and love. I got to show them the circumstances that helped me to understand my creator. I got to show them the love of Christ through the worship that made sense to me. I got to show them the intimate and honest relationship that I had between my creator and me. I showed them me.
Remembering April 27th wasn't always a good thing. I started the anniversary because I wanted to remember that feeling forever and I couldn't because we didn't get it on video. We tried to record it, but it wasn't the same without the sanctuary of people. I used to tell Mike that we had to perform it one more time so we could record it so we did, at Tanako. It wasn't the same people and it was definitely different. After the skit was over, we went to the video camera and noticed that the room was so dark we couldn't even make out the people in the room.
Some memories are best kept in the heart. I'll always remember April 27th!
On April 27th First United Methodist Church hosted the very first night of a week long revival. I remember the commotion of the week. There was discussions about what type of worship services we were going to include and who was going to preach. The youth group got the first day while the traditional service got the last three days.
The youth group wanted to do something different, so we had a contemporary band, Jason Molitor speak, and a skit. This was before the church got a contemporary service so we thought that just like any other youth Sunday, people weren't going to show up. To our surprise, the church was packed. There were people sitting in folding chairs in the back and others standing in the balcony. I had never seen so many people fill the church and it was so exciting.
The attendance of the service wasn't the reason why I celebrate this day, the skit the youth performed is. At that point, "The Everything Skit" was just coming into the scene. I knew that this was something that I wanted to perform, but I didn't think that it would ever become a reality. Well, it did and it became one of the reasons that I love ministry.
While performing that skit, I got the chance to show people my deepest feelings and they responded with support and love. I got to show them the circumstances that helped me to understand my creator. I got to show them the love of Christ through the worship that made sense to me. I got to show them the intimate and honest relationship that I had between my creator and me. I showed them me.
Remembering April 27th wasn't always a good thing. I started the anniversary because I wanted to remember that feeling forever and I couldn't because we didn't get it on video. We tried to record it, but it wasn't the same without the sanctuary of people. I used to tell Mike that we had to perform it one more time so we could record it so we did, at Tanako. It wasn't the same people and it was definitely different. After the skit was over, we went to the video camera and noticed that the room was so dark we couldn't even make out the people in the room.
Some memories are best kept in the heart. I'll always remember April 27th!
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Realizations...
It's Easter Sunday.
It's Easter Sunday.
Has it sunk in yet? Does it still feel like "just another Sunday"? Do you feel exhausted from all the afternoon activities? Easter egg hunting... Family Meal... Fancy Pictures... Catching up with Relatives...
Let's just be honest! Easter is more of a chore than a day of remembering the incredible sacrifice of Jesus! It almost makes me think, "Why bother?" I can have an intimate conversation with God while I sleep in, right?
My dad didn't always go to church when I was younger. He would be what preachers call a "CEO Member" (Christmas and Easter only). I used to get so angry at him all the time telling him that he wasn't a good Christian by skipping out on church. It made me feel like he didn't have a relationship with God. As I got older it went from him choosing not to go to church to him not being able to go to church because of his job. You could just imagine my reaction! I thought it was the worst thing in the whole wide world! Not only was he not going to church, but he was working on the sabbath! I couldn't help but think that it was a sin and my father wasn't up to par on his relationship with Christ.
After I came to college, I learned a pretty big lesson about church and my dad's way of thinking. I don't know if you know this, but my dad owns a pretty big business that helps charities such as Teen Challenge of Arkansas and the Boy Scouts. Because I never looked at the big pictures, I never realized that his church was in the middle of a parking lot setting up cones and talking to recovering drug addicts, or signing off on a boy's Eagle Scout project, even when he goes for a mountain bike ride. That is HIS church. It wasn't until I started realizing that maybe I was going to church for the wrong reason that my dad had is right all along.
If you talk to any ordained minister they'll tell you the same thing, "You have to come to church to be with a community of believers!" That was exactly what I was telling dad all those years. Church is church and that's final. What I didn't understand was that my all time favorite hymn I would sing in church was preaching the exact opposite.
"The church is not a building;
the church is not a steeple;
the church is not a resting place;
the church is a people.
I am the church! You are the church!
We are the church together!
All who follow Jesus,
all around the world!
Yes, we're the church together!"
- Hymn #475
It's Easter Sunday.
That doesn't mean that we have to dress up in fancy clothes and put on a fake smile, it means that we get to praise God for giving us all these different ways to worship! Whether it be at home, on a boat, in a hospital room, nursing home, in the middle of the woods, or in a building with your fellow believers in Christ... Just worship.
It is indeed Easter Sunday!
Becca
It's Easter Sunday.
Has it sunk in yet? Does it still feel like "just another Sunday"? Do you feel exhausted from all the afternoon activities? Easter egg hunting... Family Meal... Fancy Pictures... Catching up with Relatives...
Let's just be honest! Easter is more of a chore than a day of remembering the incredible sacrifice of Jesus! It almost makes me think, "Why bother?" I can have an intimate conversation with God while I sleep in, right?
My dad didn't always go to church when I was younger. He would be what preachers call a "CEO Member" (Christmas and Easter only). I used to get so angry at him all the time telling him that he wasn't a good Christian by skipping out on church. It made me feel like he didn't have a relationship with God. As I got older it went from him choosing not to go to church to him not being able to go to church because of his job. You could just imagine my reaction! I thought it was the worst thing in the whole wide world! Not only was he not going to church, but he was working on the sabbath! I couldn't help but think that it was a sin and my father wasn't up to par on his relationship with Christ.
After I came to college, I learned a pretty big lesson about church and my dad's way of thinking. I don't know if you know this, but my dad owns a pretty big business that helps charities such as Teen Challenge of Arkansas and the Boy Scouts. Because I never looked at the big pictures, I never realized that his church was in the middle of a parking lot setting up cones and talking to recovering drug addicts, or signing off on a boy's Eagle Scout project, even when he goes for a mountain bike ride. That is HIS church. It wasn't until I started realizing that maybe I was going to church for the wrong reason that my dad had is right all along.
If you talk to any ordained minister they'll tell you the same thing, "You have to come to church to be with a community of believers!" That was exactly what I was telling dad all those years. Church is church and that's final. What I didn't understand was that my all time favorite hymn I would sing in church was preaching the exact opposite.
"The church is not a building;
the church is not a steeple;
the church is not a resting place;
the church is a people.
I am the church! You are the church!
We are the church together!
All who follow Jesus,
all around the world!
Yes, we're the church together!"
- Hymn #475
It's Easter Sunday.
That doesn't mean that we have to dress up in fancy clothes and put on a fake smile, it means that we get to praise God for giving us all these different ways to worship! Whether it be at home, on a boat, in a hospital room, nursing home, in the middle of the woods, or in a building with your fellow believers in Christ... Just worship.
It is indeed Easter Sunday!
Becca
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Those Moments....
Have you ever been sitting in a class or at work and all of the sudden your brain wanders off to a memory. The whole entire story plays back through your head and it's like your practically there! All you can do is watch it happen, there's no hope of changing the story. After you snap back to reality all you want to do is bang your head on the table and hope it goes away! I can't express to you how much that has happened to me lately!
Now, it's evident that we have all stories that we aren't proud of, but in all reality are those supposed to define our life? My freshman year was full of mistakes and craziness! I constantly think about those situations that I put myself in and all the stupid ways I acted. When I snapped back to reality in the beginning of my sophomore year, I felt like I was being haunted by these moments. I would have nights where I would cry myself to sleep because I was so upset with myself. During my Christmas break I got to visit my youth minister and we got to talking about how school was going. I remember asking him the question, "When will it all go away? Will I ever be able to move on?" He told me that one day it will seem like it's nothing, but until then it takes a little bit of time to move forward.
It's not that I'm upset with the decisions that I made, I'm just upset with the reasoning behind them. There's no excuse for the way that I acted and I feel as if I won't be able to apologize enough to a few people. I keep telling myself, "You're so stupid Becca!" as if that's going to accomplish anything! I could just blame it on someone else, but that's not going to get me anywhere. I just have to move on... it's easy to type but it's not so easy to do.
I think back to all the things that I dealt with in high school and how those moments don't matter anymore. Is it really going to take me graduating and leaving Ozarks to move forward? I don't want to start my life all over and kick people out just so I can move forward!
When my dad gives me advice, it's either related to farts, poop, or movies. Lately the advice that he has given to me has been based off one particular movie. He describes a scene of the movie where two guys are in a car being chased by some other guys. The guy in the passengers seat looks at the driver pointing at the review mirror saying, "Look, their after us! What are we going to do?" The driver then takes the mirror and rips it off of the window saying, "What's behind us is of no concern."
It seems so true and so easy, but why is it that I don't want to make the step of ripping off the review mirror? Is it because I'm not ready or still have some things to resolve? It brings me back to a Bible verse that I wrote about recently...
"Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?" (Matthew 6:26)
This verse talks about worrying. We are constantly worrying about what is going to happen next in our life and if we are going to be able to survive the next day! Recently I've been looking at this verse in a different way. God is going to put the people, things, and activities in my life that I need to move forward and be happy with my life.
Things have gotten a lot better then they were awhile back. I'm now content with the path that my life is heading towards. I have a couple of unknowns that I have to face, but in the end I just know that I'm going to be able to make it and move forward!
Here's to living life one day at a time....
Now, it's evident that we have all stories that we aren't proud of, but in all reality are those supposed to define our life? My freshman year was full of mistakes and craziness! I constantly think about those situations that I put myself in and all the stupid ways I acted. When I snapped back to reality in the beginning of my sophomore year, I felt like I was being haunted by these moments. I would have nights where I would cry myself to sleep because I was so upset with myself. During my Christmas break I got to visit my youth minister and we got to talking about how school was going. I remember asking him the question, "When will it all go away? Will I ever be able to move on?" He told me that one day it will seem like it's nothing, but until then it takes a little bit of time to move forward.
It's not that I'm upset with the decisions that I made, I'm just upset with the reasoning behind them. There's no excuse for the way that I acted and I feel as if I won't be able to apologize enough to a few people. I keep telling myself, "You're so stupid Becca!" as if that's going to accomplish anything! I could just blame it on someone else, but that's not going to get me anywhere. I just have to move on... it's easy to type but it's not so easy to do.
I think back to all the things that I dealt with in high school and how those moments don't matter anymore. Is it really going to take me graduating and leaving Ozarks to move forward? I don't want to start my life all over and kick people out just so I can move forward!
When my dad gives me advice, it's either related to farts, poop, or movies. Lately the advice that he has given to me has been based off one particular movie. He describes a scene of the movie where two guys are in a car being chased by some other guys. The guy in the passengers seat looks at the driver pointing at the review mirror saying, "Look, their after us! What are we going to do?" The driver then takes the mirror and rips it off of the window saying, "What's behind us is of no concern."
It seems so true and so easy, but why is it that I don't want to make the step of ripping off the review mirror? Is it because I'm not ready or still have some things to resolve? It brings me back to a Bible verse that I wrote about recently...
"Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?" (Matthew 6:26)
This verse talks about worrying. We are constantly worrying about what is going to happen next in our life and if we are going to be able to survive the next day! Recently I've been looking at this verse in a different way. God is going to put the people, things, and activities in my life that I need to move forward and be happy with my life.
Things have gotten a lot better then they were awhile back. I'm now content with the path that my life is heading towards. I have a couple of unknowns that I have to face, but in the end I just know that I'm going to be able to make it and move forward!
Here's to living life one day at a time....
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Mrs. O'Quinn...
Today I'm going to dedicate my blog to Mrs. O'Quinn, my principal from Kindergarten and First Grade! She is the most incredible person that I know!
Mrs. O'Quinn goes to my home church in Arkadelphia. I always thought it was the coolest thing in the whole world the my principal went to the same church as me! She would give the Children's moments at church sometimes and she always had the coolest things to give to us!
When we were at school, I would always be greeted with a smile! Granted, there has been a lot time where she called me Abby instead of Becca, but that's what happens when you have an older sister! There were a few things that made school so much fun. Just to name off a few...
1. Guard Patrol. Yes, we got to wear bright orange vest and stand by the crosswalk to make sure everyone made it across safely. Once a year the wooden guards that stood proudly with us would disappear and we would spend all of our recess looking for them!
2. The Bell. We had this old school bell right outside of the front doors and Mrs. O'Quinn would pick a student to ring the bell everyday before classes started!
3. School Plays. Not only were we adorable, but we were the most adorable!
4. Principal for the Day. Mrs. O'Quinn got a day off once a year so a student could become principal of the year!
5. Birthdays! We would get our picture taken and have a button that we would wear on our birthdays! Not only did we get that, but Mrs. O'Quinn would bring us on the TV in the morning to wish us a happy birthday in front of all the students!
6. The Purple Monster. I only got to enjoy in for my first grade year, but it was the coolest playground ever! Actually, it still is! You never have the opportunity to get bored during recess. You've got The Purple Monster, the Worm, the slides, the swings.... We did have a merry-go-round at one point and time, but it disappeared!
7. Lessons. Of course it was school, but I learned all of my greatest lessons there. We used to have student of the month in each of our classes and you got to be that if you showed respect and good sportsmanship! There was always a plus to being good! You would actually get your picture on a poster and hung up in the hallway so everyone in the school could see it! And you got a picture in the newspaper too! Sooo cool!
I'm bragging on this woman because she taught me the true qualities and a strong and faithful woman. The lessons that she taught me didn't stop at Perritt Primary school. I continued to see her be the same wonderful woman every single day! When the schools kept changing, she kept to the principals of good character and a healthy environment!
I always make sure that when I come home that I stop by the traditional service, walk to the back pew, and say hello. She always has something good to say even though she's been through so much! I only hope that I can be half the woman she is! I'm truly amazed with her (Even when she calls me Abby)!
Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. (Proverbs 11:14)
Becca
Mrs. O'Quinn goes to my home church in Arkadelphia. I always thought it was the coolest thing in the whole world the my principal went to the same church as me! She would give the Children's moments at church sometimes and she always had the coolest things to give to us!
When we were at school, I would always be greeted with a smile! Granted, there has been a lot time where she called me Abby instead of Becca, but that's what happens when you have an older sister! There were a few things that made school so much fun. Just to name off a few...
1. Guard Patrol. Yes, we got to wear bright orange vest and stand by the crosswalk to make sure everyone made it across safely. Once a year the wooden guards that stood proudly with us would disappear and we would spend all of our recess looking for them!
2. The Bell. We had this old school bell right outside of the front doors and Mrs. O'Quinn would pick a student to ring the bell everyday before classes started!
3. School Plays. Not only were we adorable, but we were the most adorable!
4. Principal for the Day. Mrs. O'Quinn got a day off once a year so a student could become principal of the year!
5. Birthdays! We would get our picture taken and have a button that we would wear on our birthdays! Not only did we get that, but Mrs. O'Quinn would bring us on the TV in the morning to wish us a happy birthday in front of all the students!
6. The Purple Monster. I only got to enjoy in for my first grade year, but it was the coolest playground ever! Actually, it still is! You never have the opportunity to get bored during recess. You've got The Purple Monster, the Worm, the slides, the swings.... We did have a merry-go-round at one point and time, but it disappeared!
7. Lessons. Of course it was school, but I learned all of my greatest lessons there. We used to have student of the month in each of our classes and you got to be that if you showed respect and good sportsmanship! There was always a plus to being good! You would actually get your picture on a poster and hung up in the hallway so everyone in the school could see it! And you got a picture in the newspaper too! Sooo cool!
I'm bragging on this woman because she taught me the true qualities and a strong and faithful woman. The lessons that she taught me didn't stop at Perritt Primary school. I continued to see her be the same wonderful woman every single day! When the schools kept changing, she kept to the principals of good character and a healthy environment!
I always make sure that when I come home that I stop by the traditional service, walk to the back pew, and say hello. She always has something good to say even though she's been through so much! I only hope that I can be half the woman she is! I'm truly amazed with her (Even when she calls me Abby)!
Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. (Proverbs 11:14)
These are a few senior pictures that I took on the Perritt Playground in 2012! It's so sad that the playground is now closed to the community! I will always remember the fun times that I had going to play there and walk the trails on the weekends with my family! Thanks Mrs. O'Quinn for always making the community a part of our school!
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| I wish it would let me rotate the dang thing! But anyways, this is my first school play at Perritt! I'm somewhere in that picture! |
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| The Purple Monster!!! |
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| The Infamous Worm! |
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| The original playground set! If you can't tell, Horsie played a huge role in all of my pictures! |
Becca
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Decisions and Directions....
Tonight has been one heck of a night. Actually, today has been one heck of a day! I've had class and then more class followed by grocery shopping, Ozarks News Minute, Mustard Seed Worknight, Leadership Forum, Hall Meeting, and now... homework.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. If you don't know me well, then you should know that my biggest weakness is saying, "no." I never want to disappoint anyone and it drains me every single day. Some days are rewarding, and others are just plain dreadful. I have all these people that are telling me to stand up for myself and say no, but I don't want to deal with the damage control. It's a double edged sword; If I say yes to everything, I'm an easy pushover, but if I say no to everything, I'm the witch with a capital B that everyone talks about. What do I do? What direction do I take?
The decisions that I made last year were not to make me happy, actually, I was screaming on the inside. I was so mad at myself for all of the things that I was doing. I just knew that if I stopped I would ended up ruining something. So what road did I take? I waited it out. I kept doing those things and sacrificed my heart. The last thing I wanted to do was break someone's heart, I did what I do best and allowed my heart to be broken and stepped on.
It makes sense when you think about it. I might be a giver, but there's no way in hell that I wanted to give away heartbreak. It sucks and I dealt with the rejection and pain that came with it, but I knew that if I would have been on the other side, I would have regretted it every day. Yes, I'm happy now... most of the time, but all the other times I just think about how much I've screwed up. Life. That's what they call it.
I'm just sitting here waiting! I want a miracle to happen and these people to realize what they've done. I know they never will and I know that I will always live with the blame and guilt convincing myself that it was all my fault. I can't do it any other way.
At this point in the blog I usually associate some sort of scripture to have everything make sense for you, but I can't tonight. I need your help. Show me the scripture that I'm missing! I need you to help me out of the hole that I dug too deep. Just help me. Please.
Becca
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. If you don't know me well, then you should know that my biggest weakness is saying, "no." I never want to disappoint anyone and it drains me every single day. Some days are rewarding, and others are just plain dreadful. I have all these people that are telling me to stand up for myself and say no, but I don't want to deal with the damage control. It's a double edged sword; If I say yes to everything, I'm an easy pushover, but if I say no to everything, I'm the witch with a capital B that everyone talks about. What do I do? What direction do I take?
The decisions that I made last year were not to make me happy, actually, I was screaming on the inside. I was so mad at myself for all of the things that I was doing. I just knew that if I stopped I would ended up ruining something. So what road did I take? I waited it out. I kept doing those things and sacrificed my heart. The last thing I wanted to do was break someone's heart, I did what I do best and allowed my heart to be broken and stepped on.
It makes sense when you think about it. I might be a giver, but there's no way in hell that I wanted to give away heartbreak. It sucks and I dealt with the rejection and pain that came with it, but I knew that if I would have been on the other side, I would have regretted it every day. Yes, I'm happy now... most of the time, but all the other times I just think about how much I've screwed up. Life. That's what they call it.
I'm just sitting here waiting! I want a miracle to happen and these people to realize what they've done. I know they never will and I know that I will always live with the blame and guilt convincing myself that it was all my fault. I can't do it any other way.
At this point in the blog I usually associate some sort of scripture to have everything make sense for you, but I can't tonight. I need your help. Show me the scripture that I'm missing! I need you to help me out of the hole that I dug too deep. Just help me. Please.
Becca
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Turn the Other Cheek...
“You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too. If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile, carry it two miles. Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow." (Matthew 5:38-42)
I've heard this verse come up in my life time after time. Whenever someone does something crappy to me, someone will say, "Hey Becca, turn the other cheek!" That's all fine and dandy, but what does that REALLY mean? There was a movie that came out a few years ago called, "The Jesus Movie: Epic Mini Series" it was basically an account of the life of Jesus. It focused more on him growing up and going into the ministry than the death. They had a scene where invaders came into one of the town and killed everyone. Even though the people that were killed were really bad people, Jesus cried over their bodies because the loss of life. He talks to the men that committed the murders and ends up getting slapped on the cheek. Jesus literally turns his head and says, "Strike me again."
I was trying to think of instances in my life where I did that and I couldn't come up with any good examples. Most of the time when I did something like that, it was out of spite or just to prove a point that I was the better person. Tell me how one can be the better person by getting slapped around? I started to think about abusive relationships and how women will sometimes take it over and over again because of this particular verse. News Flash! Read it one more time....
There's a lot of symbolizing in this verse. What does turning the other cheek look like? For me, I grew up getting bullied day after day. People didn't like me just because of how I looked or because of the things that I was interested in. I got slapped around so much that I ran out of cheeks to turn!
I noticed something about my faith and my life. Turning the other cheek isn't about screaming scripture in someone's face or boasting about do more than you're told to. It's about moving on. Pray for them and have faith that you will recover just as much as they will. Pray for God's plan to happen. Turning the other cheek means letting God take control. That's the best revenge you can put out there!
So what are you waiting for?
Becca
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