Monday afternoon as I was tutoring a student, my phone rang. I got the news that a dear friend and mentor of mine had passed, Jason Molitor. I didn't want to believe that it was true. I still don't want to believe that it's true.
Grief does weird things to people. I couldn't help but want to call him as soon as I found out. I just wanted to talk to him and tell him that he made a difference in my life. Jason was one of the first people to introduce me to Jesus as my personal savior. I didn't understand what he was talking about at the time, but now I see what he was doing. He was preparing me for the moments where temptation and trouble would come.
When I decided to come to University of the Ozarks, I knew that I would be okay because Jason was only 30 minutes down the road. He was always encouraging to me especially during the first semester of college. He was always so inviting when I came to the Wesley Foundation. Our friendship started way before college, he was at the Wesley Foundation in Arkadelphia while I was in middle school. I remember being the honorary 13 year old college student. I would go to the services and hang out with all the students, making memories every single time.
Jason was one of the people that I could call and he would listen to me cry. Before I got the news yesterday, I was going to call him and tell him about things that were going on in my life.
I keep trying to tell myself not to laugh, but whenever I think about the times that Jason and I spent together all I do is laugh. He was always there to put a smile on my face, even when I didn't want one. One of the biggest jokes that Jason and I had were about shoes. One day we were talking about ice skating and I told him that my dad still had his ice skating shoes. Apparently, the correct title for ice skating shoes is "ice skates". Every single time we would see each other we would ask each other what type of shoes we were wearing. He was there for all those big life moments for me. One of my favorite pair of shoes that he would wear was his, "I'm going to make you laugh shoes" along with the "Preaching shoes".
I'm sad to say that I will be wearing my "See you later shoes" on Thursday and Friday. You are already missed Jason. I wish I could tell you how much of a difference that you made in my life. Much love brother, I'll see you on the other side.
UOI,
Becca
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Inhumane...
in·hu·mane ˈinhyo͞oˈmān
adjective
1.
without compassion for misery or suffering; cruel.
That word describes me. It must. I do things that are completely uncalled for. I hold expectations for myself and then fail. Not only do I fail, but I fail in such a way that people run away from me.
My whole life has been about being dependent.
Baby... Parents
School-age... Teachers
Teenage... Community
Confirmation... God
College.... Me?
There's no way I could be dependent on my own decisions. I don't think that anyone could. So, we have friends, mentors, teachers, preachers, presidents, parents. Do we really listen to them though? We would rather listen to things that aren't there to help us. Why? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!
I've tried in my short lifetime to make solid decisions, they don't always happen, but I try. Most of the time it doesn't look like I try, in fact it looks like I could care less. Do I actually care about my life? Do I actually try to be a Christian? Am I living in the way that GOD wants me to live? I would like to put forth that face, but I don't. Do I read my Bible? Sometimes. Do I go to church? Occasionally.
I feel as if I'm beating myself up day after day by living this Christian life. I hold such high expectations for myself and I can't even follow them. I can't even follow my own advice. I don't want to follow my own advice. I don't care.
When people give me advice, I freak out. I must follow it. If I don't, I will not be approved. Friends become just common people. People are disappointed in me. People don't care about me. People that I used to be able to share everything with don't want to be in contact with me.
So there you have it. I make mistakes. I do stupid things. I have problems. You probably have the same problems, but it's easier to make me feel like shit instead of looking in the mirror. No, your problems are not the same as mine, but it doesn't mean that mine are worse than yours.
In fact, it means that we're BOTH human.
Becca
Monday, October 7, 2013
Magic Pill
You know those issues in your life that just don't go away? You try everything, and you might even be happy for a day or even a week, but eventually it comes right back and all the sudden your life becomes uncontrollable. At this point you have a few choices, you either ignore the situation and make yourself extremely busy, or allow yourself to face the issue.
Let's say that you choose to face the issue. What exactly are you facing? Now I'm not talking about the exact problem, I'm talking about the severity. Are you completely prepared for battle?
One of my favorite stories in the Bible is David and Goliath. Goliath was so big, and all David had was a pebble and a sling. It makes me think of the issues that I face with on a daily basis and how I deal with them. Most of the time I waste all my energy preparing to battle small problems with all my energy. It makes me weak and tired so when something life-changing is put in front of me, I don't know how to handle it. I start to blame God looking at the resources that I have left. I see my small pebbles and sling and forget the power that it holds. The power of faith. There is power in all of the things that we use to defeat our issues. Some of those things can be destructive. Our words, actions, and way of life, can smite our issues or mask them, But our faith is the one weapon that can heal us and our problems.
Use your pebble to defeat your issues while working on your relationship with God. Allow your faith to grow while you face your problems each and everyday.
... to be continued....
UOI,
Becca
Let's say that you choose to face the issue. What exactly are you facing? Now I'm not talking about the exact problem, I'm talking about the severity. Are you completely prepared for battle?
One of my favorite stories in the Bible is David and Goliath. Goliath was so big, and all David had was a pebble and a sling. It makes me think of the issues that I face with on a daily basis and how I deal with them. Most of the time I waste all my energy preparing to battle small problems with all my energy. It makes me weak and tired so when something life-changing is put in front of me, I don't know how to handle it. I start to blame God looking at the resources that I have left. I see my small pebbles and sling and forget the power that it holds. The power of faith. There is power in all of the things that we use to defeat our issues. Some of those things can be destructive. Our words, actions, and way of life, can smite our issues or mask them, But our faith is the one weapon that can heal us and our problems.
Use your pebble to defeat your issues while working on your relationship with God. Allow your faith to grow while you face your problems each and everyday.
... to be continued....
UOI,
Becca
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Being Happy...
This past weekend was really hard for me. I was trying really hard to avoid feelings that I knew were going to occur this week! How I handled it was pretty selfish. I tried to convince my friends to move off campus with me so I could get a dog.
I know. A dog? Yes, a dog! I went to the animal shelter and fell in love with a puppy. For at that point and time I was holding something that loved me unconditionally. It didn't matter what I looked like, how I acted, nothing mattered! He just loved me!
I can't thank all of you enough for being there for me the past few days. All the texts, comments and phone calls helped me to understand what true happiness is! You all picked me up when I was down and I can't express to you how much that means to me!
Today, at MCM (Methodist Campus Ministries) lunch, we had an overwhelming amount of people show up. It was one of the largest lunches we've had in a very long time! I was so excited to see so many new faces! The Bible verse that we discussed was:
“ 'Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.' "
~John 15:5
We talked about staying connected to the source and united as one when we need more encouragement! One of the things that the speaker said really made sense to me! He said, "In college it's really easy to think about preparing for our calling when in all actuality, God has a calling for us right now."
That was like a big punch in the face! And very needed! I don't have to wait three more years to do the work of the Lord, I can do it right here and now! Same with you... Don't wait any longer!
When I was getting ready to go on my diet I remember my Spanish teacher telling me something really important. "Why start something tomorrow that you can start today?" If you want to change something in your life, do it! Don't dream about the results, make it happen. Same with the work of the Lord. If you want to change the world, do it! If you want to spread the gospel but your afraid you're too young, old, short, tall, sinful, holy.. whatever! Don't let anything hold you back. Jesus didn't hold back anything when he sacrificed himself for you, so you shouldn't have to either.
You are loved.
UOI,
Becca
I know. A dog? Yes, a dog! I went to the animal shelter and fell in love with a puppy. For at that point and time I was holding something that loved me unconditionally. It didn't matter what I looked like, how I acted, nothing mattered! He just loved me!
I can't thank all of you enough for being there for me the past few days. All the texts, comments and phone calls helped me to understand what true happiness is! You all picked me up when I was down and I can't express to you how much that means to me!
Today, at MCM (Methodist Campus Ministries) lunch, we had an overwhelming amount of people show up. It was one of the largest lunches we've had in a very long time! I was so excited to see so many new faces! The Bible verse that we discussed was:
“ 'Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.' "
~John 15:5
We talked about staying connected to the source and united as one when we need more encouragement! One of the things that the speaker said really made sense to me! He said, "In college it's really easy to think about preparing for our calling when in all actuality, God has a calling for us right now."
That was like a big punch in the face! And very needed! I don't have to wait three more years to do the work of the Lord, I can do it right here and now! Same with you... Don't wait any longer!
When I was getting ready to go on my diet I remember my Spanish teacher telling me something really important. "Why start something tomorrow that you can start today?" If you want to change something in your life, do it! Don't dream about the results, make it happen. Same with the work of the Lord. If you want to change the world, do it! If you want to spread the gospel but your afraid you're too young, old, short, tall, sinful, holy.. whatever! Don't let anything hold you back. Jesus didn't hold back anything when he sacrificed himself for you, so you shouldn't have to either.
You are loved.
UOI,
Becca
Friday, September 20, 2013
Unwanted Advice...
There are things that are going on in my life that are hard to talk about on here. I always used this as an outlet to be honest with my readers and help them understand life through my mistakes and experiences.
Truth be told? I'm only 19. I haven't seen as much life as my mother or father. Now, my question for you stands... Does my opinion, experiences, and mistakes matter? Do I have to wait another 30 years for my life story to become good advice? Is it politically correct for me to have this blog, ranting about my life? I would like to think that it's okay! But then again all I do is worry about what other people think of me.
Tonight, I'm sitting in my bed watching "The Nanny" thinking about all the things that I miss in life. Last year there was always something for me to do because of my friendships and relationship that I had. I was always guaranteed some sort of entertainment. Now, I feel like I'm stuck in a place with no where to go. There is no one that has to be with me because there is no commitment. No one has to be with me, nor wants to be. Does that sound like I'm asking for pity? Well, I'm not. I'm simply painting a picture of my life, showing you the mistakes that I made and how I'm dealing with them.
My relationship was the best thing that could have happened to me last year. I was in a place where I needed someone to guide me. I wouldn't have listened to any friend or teacher, but a boyfriend? I listened. I listened because I was interested in the "greener grass." I knew that everyone that was married or dating was always so happy all the time. I wanted to understand what it was like to give my life to someone who was willing to give me just a slice of their life back to me. My expectations ruined my reality. I believe in people too much to let go and be myself. I worry too much to find myself within myself. I am too dependent on other people.
How would people describe me? Obsessive? Clingy? Selfish? Stupid? Fat? Ugly? Wrong? Abnormal?
I started to look at these words people would describe me with embraced them. Instead of people bringing me down all the time, I would rather me bring myself down. I looked at myself and thought, that if that's what they see in me, then it must be true.
Then I get in a relationship. He loves me. Just the way I am? So that means I'm allowed to be myself? Negative. I be the person that everyone else wants to be. Maybe that way he'll stick around just a little bit longer. I fall in love. I give him everything. I share my family, my life, my story, and my fears. I gain weight. I let go. I start to laugh at things I never thought was funny. I slowly break my heart more and more each day.
What do I do now? I do what I do best. Google it. How do I deal with a break-up? Of course all the tips that people give are good, but not good enough. A professional could tell me how to turn my life around in 3 simple steps and I wouldn't do it. That sounds stupid, but I'm just stubborn I guess. Even though I know that other people are right, I just want to figure things out by myself. I want to believe that my situation is different. I want to believe that my love was true love. I want to believe that he's going to see this and not get frustrated. I hope you understand that losing you, is like experiencing a death. The person that I once knew is no longer alive. I want to believe that September 23rd is going to come around and everything will be okay again. I miss being held and knowing that someone loves me. Is that so wrong? Is that too honest?
Worship has been one of the most difficult things for me. I love being here at Ozarks, but it's impossible to be able to go to something without thinking if he's going to be there. I want to worship and have that relationship with God that I crave for in a man everyday. I know that I'll never be able to find true love until I realize that God created it. I thought my spiritual life was all figured out, but it just relied on other people. I couldn't have a relationship with God unless I was learning from someone close to me.
So maybe this is a blessing. I hate to say that. I hate to think that losing something that was so dear to me could possibly bring me something greater.
~ Jeremiah 29:11
UOI,
Becca
Truth be told? I'm only 19. I haven't seen as much life as my mother or father. Now, my question for you stands... Does my opinion, experiences, and mistakes matter? Do I have to wait another 30 years for my life story to become good advice? Is it politically correct for me to have this blog, ranting about my life? I would like to think that it's okay! But then again all I do is worry about what other people think of me.
Tonight, I'm sitting in my bed watching "The Nanny" thinking about all the things that I miss in life. Last year there was always something for me to do because of my friendships and relationship that I had. I was always guaranteed some sort of entertainment. Now, I feel like I'm stuck in a place with no where to go. There is no one that has to be with me because there is no commitment. No one has to be with me, nor wants to be. Does that sound like I'm asking for pity? Well, I'm not. I'm simply painting a picture of my life, showing you the mistakes that I made and how I'm dealing with them.
My relationship was the best thing that could have happened to me last year. I was in a place where I needed someone to guide me. I wouldn't have listened to any friend or teacher, but a boyfriend? I listened. I listened because I was interested in the "greener grass." I knew that everyone that was married or dating was always so happy all the time. I wanted to understand what it was like to give my life to someone who was willing to give me just a slice of their life back to me. My expectations ruined my reality. I believe in people too much to let go and be myself. I worry too much to find myself within myself. I am too dependent on other people.
How would people describe me? Obsessive? Clingy? Selfish? Stupid? Fat? Ugly? Wrong? Abnormal?
I started to look at these words people would describe me with embraced them. Instead of people bringing me down all the time, I would rather me bring myself down. I looked at myself and thought, that if that's what they see in me, then it must be true.
Then I get in a relationship. He loves me. Just the way I am? So that means I'm allowed to be myself? Negative. I be the person that everyone else wants to be. Maybe that way he'll stick around just a little bit longer. I fall in love. I give him everything. I share my family, my life, my story, and my fears. I gain weight. I let go. I start to laugh at things I never thought was funny. I slowly break my heart more and more each day.
What do I do now? I do what I do best. Google it. How do I deal with a break-up? Of course all the tips that people give are good, but not good enough. A professional could tell me how to turn my life around in 3 simple steps and I wouldn't do it. That sounds stupid, but I'm just stubborn I guess. Even though I know that other people are right, I just want to figure things out by myself. I want to believe that my situation is different. I want to believe that my love was true love. I want to believe that he's going to see this and not get frustrated. I hope you understand that losing you, is like experiencing a death. The person that I once knew is no longer alive. I want to believe that September 23rd is going to come around and everything will be okay again. I miss being held and knowing that someone loves me. Is that so wrong? Is that too honest?
Worship has been one of the most difficult things for me. I love being here at Ozarks, but it's impossible to be able to go to something without thinking if he's going to be there. I want to worship and have that relationship with God that I crave for in a man everyday. I know that I'll never be able to find true love until I realize that God created it. I thought my spiritual life was all figured out, but it just relied on other people. I couldn't have a relationship with God unless I was learning from someone close to me.
So maybe this is a blessing. I hate to say that. I hate to think that losing something that was so dear to me could possibly bring me something greater.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
~ Jeremiah 29:11
UOI,
Becca
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Murder....
This past week has been so simple! All my tutoring sessions were canceled because of test schedules so my normal working schedule that I was just getting use to was put all out of whack!
I've been trying to dig into the Bible a little bit more so part of my attempt brought me to a random Bible verse generator. The first verse that popped up?
"Thou shall not kill." (Exodus 20:13)
What does that verse mean? Is it as straight forward as we think it is? Do not kill. Do not kill what? Of course it means humans, right? If it meant anything else then we would all be screwed! If it meant animals, our food supply would be extremely different. If it meant bugs, then we're all going to hell! What if it meant our gardens and grass? Guess we're going to have to paint our thumbs green!
What if something so straight-forward meant something so much deeper? If that was possible, our lives would mean something different. Thou shall not kill... Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.
Those sound familiar. We were always taught to act in that manner when we were younger, but if we look at not living in Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, and Self-Control we are killing opportunities that God has for us. We are slowly but surely killing ourselves.
My parents always told me I could choose from one of two paths: The hard way or the easy way. That raises the question... Is the hard way actually hard or is it just different lessons? I don't think any of us could ever imagine "the easy way".
From my experience of the last 19 years, I've come to understand that "the hard way" is a great excuse an elder can give you whenever you screw your life up. How many of you have experienced that? Something bad happens and after a few weeks of the love and care, people start confessing to you that it was all your fault in the beginning. You chose a more difficult path and now you have to deal with the consequences.
Thou shall not kill.
Stop killing yourselves.
Be...
Joyful
Loving
Peaceful
Patient
Kind
Good
Gentle
Self-Controlling
God has a beautiful plan for you.
UOI,
Becca
I've been trying to dig into the Bible a little bit more so part of my attempt brought me to a random Bible verse generator. The first verse that popped up?
"Thou shall not kill." (Exodus 20:13)
What does that verse mean? Is it as straight forward as we think it is? Do not kill. Do not kill what? Of course it means humans, right? If it meant anything else then we would all be screwed! If it meant animals, our food supply would be extremely different. If it meant bugs, then we're all going to hell! What if it meant our gardens and grass? Guess we're going to have to paint our thumbs green!
What if something so straight-forward meant something so much deeper? If that was possible, our lives would mean something different. Thou shall not kill... Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.
Those sound familiar. We were always taught to act in that manner when we were younger, but if we look at not living in Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, and Self-Control we are killing opportunities that God has for us. We are slowly but surely killing ourselves.
My parents always told me I could choose from one of two paths: The hard way or the easy way. That raises the question... Is the hard way actually hard or is it just different lessons? I don't think any of us could ever imagine "the easy way".
From my experience of the last 19 years, I've come to understand that "the hard way" is a great excuse an elder can give you whenever you screw your life up. How many of you have experienced that? Something bad happens and after a few weeks of the love and care, people start confessing to you that it was all your fault in the beginning. You chose a more difficult path and now you have to deal with the consequences.
Thou shall not kill.
Stop killing yourselves.
Be...
Joyful
Loving
Peaceful
Patient
Kind
Good
Gentle
Self-Controlling
God has a beautiful plan for you.
UOI,
Becca
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Big FAT "F"....
By now you all know how dangerous it is when I start to think.
Well, guess what? I've been thinking.
I really enjoy writing because it allows me to show my full personality without the feeling of having to hold back. Honestly, I'm too lazy to proof-read. Do you ever have those moments when you write a paper for a class, know it's a masterpiece and turn it in without looking over it? Makes perfect sense if you really think about it? Why read something again if it's a true masterpiece. It came from your brain and made perfect sense, so it should do the same for the whole entire world.
Too bad you got an "F".
That's right. Not only if your grade ruined, but so is your whole entire day. The one thing that you had so much confidence in lied to you. The thing that sucks the most is that it was yourself.
I lied to myself about a lot of things this past year. The biggest lie? "I am okay." That's the thing though, I wasn't okay. I was in a horrible place and couldn't realize it because my brain was convinced it was a masterpiece. I never took the chance to proof-read what was going on. I was living in the future with full confidence in my ability to see when disaster was going to strike.
Disaster struck. I didn't see it coming. I broke into a million pieces. The thing that stinks the worse, I was the one that broke myself. I could have seen it coming! If only I would have listened to that little voice in the back of my head. My relationship with God went on hold for a while this past month. Just when I was diving deep into God's will, shit hit the fan. What do I do? Blame God. I didn't even want to tell God that I was angry at Him. How does that happen? A girl that goes to church her whole entire life and now can't even talk to God?! Impossible.
I actually started going through all the Bible Verses and sermons from youth group. The one that came into my head a lot was "The Vending Machine." It was a sermon that Mike preached a million times and it stuck in my head. He always said to never treat God like a vending machine. You can't just expect to get something whenever you ask or whenever you're ready. God's answer might be "No" or "Not now." So, with all of that said, I didn't feel like I had the right to ask any favors. First of all, I was pissed. Second, I didn't think it was right to ask God to heal my broken heart when I didn't even proof-read my situation.
Ouch. That hits home. You get that "masterpiece" of a paper back with a shiny red "F" only to ask the teacher why SHE (or he) GAVE you that grade. Was it really the teacher's fault that you didn't proof-read? Is it their fault if you fail at life?
If we look at Luke Chapter 2, we see Jesus as a child soaking up anything that the "teachers" can tell him. Aren't we supposed to be doing that? Learning and applying?
After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers.
~ Luke 2:46-47
Are you proof-reading?
UOI,
Becca
Well, guess what? I've been thinking.
I really enjoy writing because it allows me to show my full personality without the feeling of having to hold back. Honestly, I'm too lazy to proof-read. Do you ever have those moments when you write a paper for a class, know it's a masterpiece and turn it in without looking over it? Makes perfect sense if you really think about it? Why read something again if it's a true masterpiece. It came from your brain and made perfect sense, so it should do the same for the whole entire world.
Too bad you got an "F".
That's right. Not only if your grade ruined, but so is your whole entire day. The one thing that you had so much confidence in lied to you. The thing that sucks the most is that it was yourself.
I lied to myself about a lot of things this past year. The biggest lie? "I am okay." That's the thing though, I wasn't okay. I was in a horrible place and couldn't realize it because my brain was convinced it was a masterpiece. I never took the chance to proof-read what was going on. I was living in the future with full confidence in my ability to see when disaster was going to strike.
Disaster struck. I didn't see it coming. I broke into a million pieces. The thing that stinks the worse, I was the one that broke myself. I could have seen it coming! If only I would have listened to that little voice in the back of my head. My relationship with God went on hold for a while this past month. Just when I was diving deep into God's will, shit hit the fan. What do I do? Blame God. I didn't even want to tell God that I was angry at Him. How does that happen? A girl that goes to church her whole entire life and now can't even talk to God?! Impossible.
I actually started going through all the Bible Verses and sermons from youth group. The one that came into my head a lot was "The Vending Machine." It was a sermon that Mike preached a million times and it stuck in my head. He always said to never treat God like a vending machine. You can't just expect to get something whenever you ask or whenever you're ready. God's answer might be "No" or "Not now." So, with all of that said, I didn't feel like I had the right to ask any favors. First of all, I was pissed. Second, I didn't think it was right to ask God to heal my broken heart when I didn't even proof-read my situation.
Ouch. That hits home. You get that "masterpiece" of a paper back with a shiny red "F" only to ask the teacher why SHE (or he) GAVE you that grade. Was it really the teacher's fault that you didn't proof-read? Is it their fault if you fail at life?
If we look at Luke Chapter 2, we see Jesus as a child soaking up anything that the "teachers" can tell him. Aren't we supposed to be doing that? Learning and applying?
After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers.
~ Luke 2:46-47
Are you proof-reading?
UOI,
Becca
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