10 Reasons You Have a dysFUNctional Family...

I noticed something about blogs that have been getting a lot of views and being shared around over the web. They all list things! I thought to myself, "Heck! I could post something that listed an important aspect of my life!" So here it is folks... 10 reasons you have a dysFUNctional family!

I was born in New York and the culture there is A LOT different then it is in Arkansas. Some of my family members have said this very sentence, "People from the south are slow and stupid." Yes, I was born in New York, but Arkansas IS my home. It brings me great joy that we moved to Arkansas because it taught me how to be humble. I don't feel like I'm home when I'm in New York which upsets me more than anyone will ever know. I grew up in a wonderful state where my friend's grandparents were next door or just down the road. I missed the opportunity to have that type of atmosphere with my aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins. When I go back to New York, it's weird to see them and they not understand who I am or the steps that I took to get to where I am today.

I was told that I should never have to explain myself for the way that I do things because I have my own unique personality. That's how my family is. While some may call us rude, crude, and socially unacceptable... I believe that we are unique because of our personality as a family. We all have our quirks that make our families special to us so why should we change who we are when we are around company or even our extended family? 

Check out these ten things that have made my family dysFUNctional!

1. We fart.
Everyone does it, it shouldn't be that surprising or disgusting. Every time my family gets together for a family dinner my dad will fart, my mom will drop her fork on her plate and act like she's surprised as she says, "Really Fred?!" She tries to be frustrated, but in all actuality we can't stop laughing.

2. We eat with our elbows on the table.
Just because we eat fancy food, doesn't' mean we shouldn't be able to dig in?! Am I right?

3. Coasters? What's that?!
An Aunt of mine asked me if I knew the purpose for using a coaster over Christmas break. I'm not stupid, I understand the purpose and I can't believe she said that. Those little ring stains on our tables? Those were made from memories.

4. Our furniture comes from Estate Sales.
The couch we have in the living room is the only thing we bought new. Everything else we got for a bargain. We aren't in the business to impress and we know that it doesn't match. We spend our money on things that matter.

5. Footrest?
That's what the coffee table is for. Seriously though, who wants to buy uncomfortable furniture just to impress company?

6. We can talk about awkward topics comfortably.
If you can't talk to your family about what actually goes on in your life, there's no point. Your family is there to help you not make the same mistakes they did. I know, it's insane that they actually understand what happens in the world!

7. Dirty jokes aren't rare.
It has come to the point where I can come up with a dirtier joke than my dad (thank you RTV boys). It's rare, but when it happens we applaud each other for fast thinking and come backs.

8. Politics.
My dad knows everything when it comes to politics. If you are going to mention something about the society, you better be ready for an hour long conversation. I'm pretty sure he knows we aren't really listening. I just think he likes the sound of his own voice!

9. Mess with us.
You mess with one of us and you'll get the wrath of all of us. If you think you can talk behind my sisters back to me and get away with it... you're real funny.

10. The welcome mat is there for a reason.
We actually want to welcome you! Once you step in our house, you're part of the family. The door is always open and you can walk in whenever you want. 

People look at my family and wonder how we operate on a day to day basis. With my dad having his business right next to the living room, my mom having her business at the other end of the house, and all the craziness in-between. We operate from a few things that we learned through the good book. We forgive, love, care, and extend a hand. If we have to put a mask on in front of each other, there's something wrong. We should be able to talk about anything and even have the occasional PMS break downs at the dinner table. We often chose netflix and ice cream over work and we are okay with that. And best of all... we don't need a game or movie to be the reason we spend time together. We spend time together through real conversations because we want to and because we love each other. 

If people tell you that you have a dysfunctional family... remind them that word wouldn't be possible without "FUN" in the middle.

"But as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15b)

Becca

I Have No Sympathy Because...

"I have no sympathy because....."

That phrase has started a lot of sentences that people have told me lately. At first, I understood, but after thinking about it for a while it made me really mad. It's just another way of saying, "I don't care about you." 

When does this phrase usually occur? You probably hear it from an elder or mentor that you go to for advice during a difficult situation. They think of it as complaining about petty problems. I don't know if it's supposed to give us encouragement knowing that they went through the same thing and got through it, but none of us want to hear that. We want to know that we are cared about. 

When I was a teenager I was told that I just had to "get through" school. I took that advice because those people told me, "I have no sympathy for you... I was in high school and people make fun of me too. It makes you a better person. Get over it." 

I understand, I really do. You are older than me and you have had more experiences than me. Does that give you the right to tell me that my experiences are tiny compared to yours? I would like to believe that it's not. I would like to believe that there are better ways to say exactly what this phrase is trying to say. 

We are allowed to have our off-days and be irritated every once in awhile. If we didn't have those days we would be perfect and we know that we are not perfect in any way. Let's be honest, when you say that phrase it's because you are having a bad day and you don't want to listen to other people's problems because you have your own stuff to deal with. It's a good way to get rid of a person. 

We have a lot of excuses and they usually sound a little like this...

"But he has a drug problem and he brought this on himself."

"But she was sleeping around, why should I feel sorry for her?"

"But she spends her money on things that I think are useless so why should I help her out?"

"But he's gay so it's not in my place to help him with his relationship issues."

"But they have an un-holy relationship so even if I tell them something about relationships it's just going to go in one ear and out the other."

So we justify these excuses by saying....

"I have no sympathy for you because I got over my problem and I quit cold turkey. Why can't you do that?!"

"I have no sympathy for you because you got in bed with him. You knew he was just going to break your heart. You'll get over it eventually."

"I have no sympathy for you because you spend your money on things that I don't approve of. I think I should look at your receipts before I offer to help you."

"I have no sympathy for you because you chose that lifestyle."

"I have no sympathy for you because you don't go to church and you won't care even if I try to help you."

...and going through the brains of these people is this one thing....

"But I came to you! I want to change my ways, talk about real issues, get help, discuss solutions, and get closer to the one thing that keeps you alive and well! I want to understand how you came to the solutions of your problems that are just like mine. I want you to tell me that it's going to be okay without throwing me under that bus for the choices that I made that got me here. I need a friend and I came to you."

I'm not going to assume that everyone reading this is a Christian so what I am about to say should not be thought of as only applying to Christians. We are humans. We all make mistakes. We all should have each others backs no matter if they are atheist, gay, mental, stupid, or broken. We are all sinners. We are all on the same level.

My point? If you have gone through the same thing that someone is talking about, if you understand the situation, or if you care about humanity at all.... Help each other. Have sympathy. Be human. Don't take advantage of the situation and act perfect because you see a struggling person. Be humble and love.

"For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard." (Romans 3:23)

Becca

Dear Benjamin....

Dear Benjamin,

This weekend was incredible! I went home from college to see your big sister graduate with her masters degree. She looked so gorgeous! You would be so proud of how far she's come in the past year! Sometimes I look at her and think of how lucky I am to have someone that loves me so much, no matter what happens. She drives me crazy sometimes, but then I realize that if I didn't have her here, it would drive me even crazier. She's going to be just like your mom and go into accounting. I don't understand why someone would want to be around numbers all day, but she seems to like it! God bless both of them for that! I think I might just have them deal with all my money because me and numbers don't mix!

Dad isn't an engineer anymore, but instead he's a wonderful race director! He is so busy all the time traveling more weekends than not. We moved to Arkansas when you turned two. Dad took one look at DeGray Lake and he knew that engineering wasn't for him anymore. I always tell him that I wish we had a normal life, but that wouldn't be near as interesting! I wouldn't trade what we do for the world!

A lot of people wonder if I'm going to be the next accountant like mom or the next race director like dad, but I really like helping people. I fell in love with ministry when I was in 7th grade and recently, with the experiences the I've had, it's just made sense to be a preacher. I love to talk and it makes so much sense to me to use my voice to help people see God in every part of their life. I worked in the church back home when I was in high school and now I'm helping at the church where I go to college. I just love youth ministry so much and I hope to teach teenage girls the lessons that I learned along the way the past few years. Plus, it will be my mission to distribute deodorant to all the middle school boys! It looks like I have five more years of school since I'm going to seminary after I graduate from Ozarks. I can't wait for that experience!

Your mother is an incredible person with an even more incredible heart. She loves you so much and lives everyday to the fullest, no holding back. I don't know how she does it, waking up at 5 in the morning and not going to bed until 11 at night. She works for your father and does all of his accounting as well registration stuff for all of the events. She works in the church and some insurance companies doing their accounting too. It's absolutely insane how much work she does and she still manages to volunteer places and put her whole heart into everything. 

I always imagined you as my brave big brother that would hold my hand to help me get through life and enjoy the times when things get so crazy that all we can do is laugh! You would pick on me and push me down and then lift me right back up. We would get in fights that don't mean anything and end up laughing about how stupid we were. We would go out to parties and you would pretend to be my boyfriend when a weird guy started hitting on me. You would kick any guy's butt that broke Abby's and I heart and make sure they regret anything they did. Abby, you and me would be best friends through everything no matter what. Abby and I would really love you because you would do all the hard labor for dad! If you can't tell, we really don't like cleaning out the coolers! 

One day, I'll meet you and we'll dance with each other at the feet of Jesus. Even though you never got to experience the world as my big brother, I know that you're out there somewhere looking out for me and Abby. I think about you all the time because I know the sacrifice that you made to bring me into the world. I know that I wouldn't be here if you were born into this world and that sacrifice is what makes me live every day to the fullest. Because of you I'm here on Earth living life and going into ministry. God might have taken your hugs, hands, and laughter away from us, but He didn't take away your spirit. You live inside of me and I will live every day with everything that I've got in memory of you. Your spirit brought me here and I won't water that down. 

I love you Benjamin. I can't wait for the day that I get to dance with you.

Your little sister,
Becca

Benjamin Phillips
1992

"There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot, 

 a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build, 

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance, 

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 

a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away, 

a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak, 

a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8,11)

 

Your Little Secret....

There's a difference between having a bad day and having a BAD day.... Today was a BAD day. It might have to do with the fact that I only got two hours of sleep last night, but then again it might also have to do with all the things that are due for finals by next Monday. 

I know, you're thinking to yourself that I should just get to my work instead of writing this, but I've been going for hours and this brings me sanity so go with it...

I'm going to start off with a story and you might find it a little familiar.

Once upon a time there was a girl who had everything all figured out. She knew what she was going to do when she grew up and starting making the steps to get closer and closer to her future. This girl was indeed just a girl, not yet a woman. She was only 13 years old and the biggest problem that she had to deal with was getting laughed at in the hallway because of her lack of style. She got tired of this situation so she decided that she wasn't going to hide in the dark anymore. She started to explore the world that all of her peers had been introduced to for awhile now. She thought that this would make her popular, but it only gave those people more reasons to pick at her. She started to wish her life away wanting to grow up and start her life, but she felt as if the struggles were making the time go by slower and slower. She starting talking thinking that maybe someday the right person would listen and understand how much she was hurting on the inside, but no one ever did. No one took her problems seriously so she kept going back to them day after day trying to find hope through pain. One day she met a person that finally listened and she couldn't help but want to become the best person that she could be for him. She never considered it to be changing herself because she was just now trying to figure out who she was. Instead, she called him a friend. This made her happy and whenever she was with him, she felt safe and nothing could hurt her. She would do anything for this person no matter the cost. 
Fast forward a couple of years. This girl is now 15 years old. She continued this friendship while she also tried to find love. She found a boy who talked to her and shared common interests with. She stayed with this boy so she would have assurance of never being alone. Eventually they both realized that they weren't meant for each other and they separated themselves from any hope of a future together. This girl felt alone once again and turned her life over to the temporary highs that the world provided. 
She is now 18 years old. The past three years were spent at church building a relationship with the man that was always there for her. He listened to her and invited her into his family and treated her as one of his own. The girl left her family on the side of the road with no hope of recovering any of those relationships. She started to look for opportunities that would move her away from home. She knew that it was time for her to move on with her life and starting over was exactly that she needed. She changed her whole entire image and became what the world wanted her to be. She began to gain self-confidence in herself and liked what she saw in the mirror. After experiencing the change and attention that she got from her new body she decided that she would do anything to make sure that it would stay that way. 
It's one year later, she's in a new world with new people and she is no longer known as the goodie two shoes Christian. She could be anyone that she wanted to be so she did. It was different not knowing anyone and having to start all over so she did what she did best and hid. She hid behind a man and gave him everything. After while she began to fight the feelings that were making her the person that she never wanted to be. The struggle was too real and she gave up on God in a heartbeat. She didn't even try to recover from this pain instead she just kept living within the pain because that's all she felt like she knew. 
Present day. She's finally on the same page with God again. There's a different glow about her and she's not worried about finding a person to fill that void. Her decisions that she made in the past affect the things that happen in her life on a daily basis. She has days where she wishes that she could bury herself away and not have to deal with the world, and there are other days she feels like shes on top of the world. She wonders what people really thinks about her. She makes friends tells them her deepest darkest secrets hoping that it won't be published in the next newspaper. She started to notice that her life wasn't a secret anymore and people started to figure out who she really was. This astounded her because she didn't even know who she was yet. How could people know so much about who she was and she not even be able to make it through a day without falling to her knees begging for mercy. The definitions of herself  that the world provided began to tear her apart and she wondered when her next opportunity would come so she could start over again. She stopped asking herself who she was and she started to believe the lies that surrounded her. She lives her life through the expectations that people already have of her. She can't be better than what they think so she just stops and puts a band-aid on hoping it will deliver herself from breaking down.

Today I called one of my best friends with the expectation of talking to his voice mail. He answered and listened to me and helped me to realize that it's not always the world that brings me down, but it's me not taking the time to say "no" to the world's assumptions. It's me not believing that I can be God's original masterpiece once again. The thing that makes me crazy about this girls story is that every time she tried to move forward and get right with God again, another challenge would hit her in the face. Preachers always tell you that's how it's going to be and as you can see, they are right. Was it because she gave in to the more tangible thing? Was it because she didn't want to be the person that the world would hate? Or is it because she would rather live in the challenges and pain instead of having it thrown at her while she tried to live a holy life? 

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:6-7

Going back to square one in your Christian life doesn't mean that you have to run away and start over with new people. It simply means that you are ready to take the step to realized that God is always there and always willing to care for you in everything that you do. He's never going to leave you and even though there might be times when it feels like it, all it takes it one act of care and true love toward a person. In the scripture about The Walk to Emmaus, the people that were traveling were discussing the events of Christs death when Christ was right there. They were so caught up in the tragedy that they didn't even realize that He was there all along. Let me say that one more time. He was there all along. They wouldn't have recognized Him if they wouldn't have invited him in for dinner and cared about his well-being. It was one random act of kindness that showed themselves who Jesus was. It takes that sometimes. It's not selfish to look for God in everyday situations. It's selfish when we expect God to show up when we can't take it anymore. It's selfish when we put down God's power and believe that He is only good for the pain, but not good in our times of joy. 

This is the beginning of the beginning. It's your move now... Let's not keep it a secret from the world. 

Becca

April 27th...

On April 27th, 2008 one of the best things happened to me. I got the chance to be the person I really was without judgement from others. It was the most incredible experience of my life (so far at least!).

On April 27th First United Methodist Church hosted the very first night of a week long revival. I remember the commotion of the week. There was discussions about what type of worship services we were going to include and who was going to preach. The youth group got the first day while the traditional service got the last three days. 

The youth group wanted to do something different, so we had a contemporary band, Jason Molitor speak, and a skit. This was before the church got a contemporary service so we thought that just like any other youth Sunday, people weren't going to show up. To our surprise, the church was packed. There were people sitting in folding chairs in the back and others standing in the balcony. I had never seen so many people fill the church and it was so exciting. 

The attendance of the service wasn't the reason why I celebrate this day, the skit the youth performed is. At that point, "The Everything Skit" was just coming into the scene. I knew that this was something that I wanted to perform, but I didn't think that it would ever become a reality. Well, it did and it became one of the reasons that I love ministry. 

While performing that skit, I got the chance to show people my deepest feelings and they responded with support and love. I got to show them the circumstances that helped me to understand my creator. I got to show them the love of Christ through the worship that made sense to me. I got to show them the intimate and honest relationship that I had between my creator and me. I showed them me. 

Remembering April 27th wasn't always a good thing. I started the anniversary because I wanted to remember that feeling forever and I couldn't because we didn't get it on video. We tried to record it, but it wasn't the same without the sanctuary of people. I used to tell Mike that we had to perform it one more time so we could record it so we did, at Tanako. It wasn't the same people and it was definitely different. After the skit was over, we went to the video camera and noticed that the room was so dark we couldn't even make out the people in the room. 

Some memories are best kept in the heart. I'll always remember April 27th! 

Realizations...

It's Easter Sunday. 

It's Easter Sunday.

Has it sunk in yet? Does it still feel like "just another Sunday"? Do you feel exhausted from all the afternoon activities? Easter egg hunting... Family Meal... Fancy Pictures... Catching up with Relatives...

Let's just be honest! Easter is more of a chore than a day of remembering the incredible sacrifice of Jesus! It almost makes me think, "Why bother?" I can have an intimate conversation with God while I sleep in, right? 

My dad didn't always go to church when I was younger. He would be what preachers call a "CEO Member" (Christmas and Easter only). I used to get so angry at him all the time telling him that he wasn't a good Christian by skipping out on church. It made me feel like he didn't have a relationship with God. As I got older it went from him choosing not to go to church to him not being able to go to church because of his job. You could just imagine my reaction! I thought it was the worst thing in the whole wide world! Not only was he not going to church, but he was working on the sabbath! I couldn't help but think that it was a sin and my father wasn't up to par on his relationship with Christ. 

After I came to college, I learned a pretty big lesson about church and my dad's way of thinking. I don't know if you know this, but my dad owns a pretty big business that helps charities such as Teen Challenge of Arkansas and the Boy Scouts. Because I never looked at the big pictures, I never realized that his church was in the middle of a parking lot setting up cones and talking to recovering drug addicts, or signing off on a boy's Eagle Scout project, even when he goes for a mountain bike ride. That is HIS church. It wasn't until I started realizing that maybe I was going to church for the wrong reason that my dad had is right all along. 

If you talk to any ordained minister they'll tell you the same thing, "You have to come to church to be with a community of believers!" That was exactly what I was telling dad all those years. Church is church and that's final. What I didn't understand was that my all time favorite hymn I would sing in church was preaching the exact opposite. 

"The church is not a building;
the church is not a steeple;
the church is not a resting place;
the church is a people.

I am the church! You are the church!
We are the church together!
All who follow Jesus,
all around the world!
Yes, we're the church together!"
- Hymn #475 

It's Easter Sunday. 

That doesn't mean that we have to dress up in fancy clothes and put on a fake smile, it means that we get to praise God for giving us all these different ways to worship! Whether it be at home, on a boat, in a hospital room, nursing home, in the middle of the woods, or in a building with your fellow believers in Christ... Just worship. 

It is indeed Easter Sunday! 

Becca

Those Moments....

Have you ever been sitting in a class or at work and all of the sudden your brain wanders off to a memory. The whole entire story plays back through your head and it's like your practically there! All you can do is watch it happen, there's no hope of changing the story. After you snap back to reality all you want to do is bang your head on the table and hope it goes away! I can't express to you how much that has happened to me lately! 

Now, it's evident that we have all stories that we aren't proud of, but in all reality are those supposed to define our life? My freshman year was full of mistakes and craziness! I constantly think about those situations that I put myself in and all the stupid ways I acted. When I snapped back to reality in the beginning of my sophomore year, I felt like I was being haunted by these moments. I would have nights where I would cry myself to sleep because I was so upset with myself. During my Christmas break I got to visit my youth minister and we got to talking about how school was going. I remember asking him the question, "When will it all go away? Will I ever be able to move on?" He told me that one day it will seem like it's nothing, but until then it takes a little bit of time to move forward. 

It's not that I'm upset with the decisions that I made, I'm just upset with the reasoning behind them. There's no excuse for the way that I acted and I feel as if I won't be able to apologize enough to a few people. I keep telling myself, "You're so stupid Becca!" as if that's going to accomplish anything! I could just blame it on someone else, but that's not going to get me anywhere. I just have to move on... it's easy to type but it's not so easy to do. 

I think back to all the things that I dealt with in high school and how those moments don't matter anymore. Is it really going to take me graduating and leaving Ozarks to move forward? I don't want to start my life all over and kick people out just so I can move forward! 

When my dad gives me advice, it's either related to farts, poop, or movies. Lately the advice that he has given to me has been based off one particular movie. He describes a scene of the movie where two guys are in a car being chased by some other guys. The guy in the passengers seat looks at the driver pointing at the review mirror saying, "Look, their after us! What are we going to do?" The driver then takes the mirror and rips it off of the window saying, "What's behind us is of no concern."

It seems so true and so easy, but why is it that I don't want to make the step of ripping off the review mirror? Is it because I'm not ready or still have some things to resolve? It brings me back to a Bible verse that I wrote about recently...

"Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?" (Matthew 6:26)

This verse talks about worrying. We are constantly worrying about what is going to happen next in our life and if we are going to be able to survive the next day! Recently I've been looking at this verse in a different way. God is going to put the people, things, and activities in my life that I need to move forward and be happy with my life.

Things have gotten a lot better then they were awhile back. I'm now content with the path that my life is heading towards. I have a couple of unknowns that I have to face, but in the end I just know that I'm going to be able to make it and move forward! 

Here's to living life one day at a time....