Yes, technically it is Friday night, but I've been putting off this post for quite a long time. This is not going to be an easy one to write at all and I hope that I get through it all in one piece.
This year-- Actually, my time in college has been extremely difficult. The time is filled with memories... some good, some bad, and some just good ol' learning experiences. In just 17 days I will be starting my last year in college and then enter the "real world." As I look back at some of my experiences throughout my time at Ozarks, I remember one main thing... "impact."
A person's impact on another's life is extremely important. We sometimes don't look into this as much as we should when we are just living our day-to-day life, but everything that we do impacts someone else. The people that have been put in my life, whether for a long or short period of time, have all made some sort of impact on my views, thoughts, lifestyle, and beliefs. This past month was a tough one for me as I ventured to Camp Tanako for a week of Junior High experiences. My mind was in a million and one different spots and I didn't know how to handle anything. I kept thinking about my experience as a Junior High camper at Tanako and as the week went by, I had to face something that I didn't think I was ready to go through.
Each year at camp we had guest speakers come at different nights to speak at worship. As the years went by and themes and activities changed I knew that one thing would remain the same. I could always expect Jason Molitor to stand up and give the message on Wednesday night. It was always my favorite night of the week, and even when I was in charge of putting together the schedule, I always made sure that he was a part of it. When Jason passed away in October of 2013 I knew that it would be extremely difficult to face Wednesday night without him there, so I didn't go. This summer was the second one without him there and it hit me harder than a brick wall. I started looking for anything, everything to help me get through the night and I found a journal entry from July 9th, 2008, my last year as a Junior High camper. It says....
"I just got back from night worship, it was really meaningful. Jason Molitor did the message and he did a really good take on having us just let go. He talked about just admitting that yes, sometimes we need help and that it's okay to ask for it every once in awhile. That's where I come in. Dad, I really need your help... I have little faith in you and it makes it hard to listen to you. I love you and it makes it even harder when I know that I have told myself so many times that I can do it by myself. Well, I can't and I need you badly....
It's so easy to give advice to the girl that's having boy troubles or the girl with no clue about God, but when it comes to me, it's almost like I'm unsolvable. It scares me sometimes how much I don't have a lot of faith because I need to be able to trust you and love you. You hold me together 24/7. So, if I'm going to be Mrs. Minister than why can't I truly go to you? Lord, I'm going to search for that answer because I want to believe in you. You're amazing and I love you with all my heart and soul. Will you use me?
I read that seven years later and I think to myself how uncertain I was about my faith in God and his work in me. I begin to ask myself now, "Has that changed? Am I still lost? Am I closer to the answer?"
Jason and I served on a couple committees together and talked a lot my freshman year when I was going through a lot of different experiences. He let me in and helped me to understand what it really means to love what you do and how you live your life. I really wish he were here today to help me get through these trials that I face on a daily basis and guide me to the truth when it's the last thing that I want to do. I know that even though he's not here, he has laid the foundation for my faith and that will always mean the world to me. I would like to think that I'm not lost and that I have it all figured out, but the truth of the matter is that I don't. I'm not sure if I will ever be "un-lost" because that would mean that I would have no more need for a guide. I don't know just how much I've changed over the years because I've back tracked a lot, but whatever does happen I know one thing to be certain, God has been consistent in helping me find faith in tough situations.
So, thank you Jason. I wish I could have told you that a couple more million times when you were still here! I miss you like crazy! You will always be the person that helped me to ask the hard questions to give my everything into what I love.