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Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Being Happy...

This past weekend was really hard for me. I was trying really hard to avoid feelings that I knew were going to occur this week! How I handled it was pretty selfish. I tried to convince my friends to move off campus with me so I could get a dog. 

I know. A dog? Yes, a dog! I went to the animal shelter and fell in love with a puppy. For at that point and time I was holding something that loved me unconditionally. It didn't matter what I looked like, how I acted, nothing mattered! He just loved me! 

I can't thank all of you enough for being there for me the past few days. All the texts, comments and phone calls helped me to understand what true happiness is! You all picked me up when I was down and I can't express to you how much that means to me! 

Today, at MCM (Methodist Campus Ministries) lunch, we had an overwhelming amount of people show up. It was one of the largest lunches we've had in a very long time! I was so excited to see so many new faces! The Bible verse that we discussed was:
“ 'Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.' "
~John 15:5

We talked about staying connected to the source and united as one when we need more encouragement! One of the things that the speaker said really made sense to me! He said, "In college it's really easy to think about preparing for our calling when in all actuality, God has a calling for us right now."

That was like a big punch in the face! And very needed! I don't have to wait three more years to do the work of the Lord, I can do it right here and now! Same with you... Don't wait any longer!

When I was getting ready to go on my diet I remember my Spanish teacher telling me something really important. "Why start something tomorrow that you can start today?" If you want to change something in your life, do it! Don't dream about the results, make it happen. Same with the work of the Lord. If you want to change the world, do it! If you want to spread the gospel but your afraid you're too young, old, short, tall, sinful, holy.. whatever! Don't let anything hold you back. Jesus didn't hold back anything when he sacrificed himself for you, so you shouldn't have to either. 

You are loved.

UOI,
Becca

Friday, September 20, 2013

Unwanted Advice...

There are things that are going on in my life that are hard to talk about on here. I always used this as an outlet to be honest with my readers and help them understand life through my mistakes and experiences. 

Truth be told? I'm only 19. I haven't seen as much life as my mother or father. Now, my question for you stands... Does my opinion, experiences, and mistakes matter? Do I have to wait another 30 years for my life story to become good advice? Is it politically correct for me to have this blog, ranting about my life? I would like to think that it's okay! But then again all I do is worry about what other people think of me. 

Tonight, I'm sitting in my bed watching "The Nanny" thinking about all the things that I miss in life. Last year there was always something for me to do because of my friendships and relationship that I had. I was always guaranteed some sort of entertainment. Now, I feel like I'm stuck in a place with no where to go. There is no one that has to be with me because there is no commitment. No one has to be with me, nor wants to be. Does that sound like I'm asking for pity? Well, I'm not. I'm simply painting a picture of my life, showing you the mistakes that I made and how I'm dealing with them. 

My relationship was the best thing that could have happened to me last year. I was in a place where I needed someone to guide me. I wouldn't have listened to any friend or teacher, but a boyfriend? I listened. I listened because I was interested in the "greener grass." I knew that everyone that was married or dating was always so happy all the time. I wanted to understand what it was like to give my life to someone who was willing to give me just a slice of their life back to me. My expectations ruined my reality. I believe in people too much to let go and be myself. I worry too much to find myself within myself. I am too dependent on other people. 

How would people describe me? Obsessive? Clingy? Selfish? Stupid? Fat? Ugly? Wrong? Abnormal?

I started to look at these words people would describe me with embraced them. Instead of people bringing me down all the time, I would rather me bring myself down. I looked at myself and thought, that if that's what they see in me, then it must be true. 

Then I get in a relationship. He loves me. Just the way I am? So that means I'm allowed to be myself? Negative. I be the person that everyone else wants to be. Maybe that way he'll stick around just a little bit longer. I fall in love. I give him everything. I share my family, my life, my story, and my fears. I gain weight. I let go. I start to laugh at things I never thought was funny. I slowly break my heart more and more each day. 

What do I do now? I do what I do best. Google it. How do I deal with a break-up? Of course all the tips that people give are good, but not good enough. A professional could tell me how to turn my life around in 3 simple steps and I wouldn't do it. That sounds stupid, but I'm just stubborn I guess. Even though I know that other people are right, I just want to figure things out by myself. I want to believe that my situation is different. I want to believe that my love was true love. I want to believe that he's going to see this and not get frustrated. I hope you understand that losing you, is like experiencing a death. The person that I once knew is no longer alive. I want to believe that September 23rd is going to come around and everything will be okay again. I miss being held and knowing that someone loves me. Is that so wrong? Is that too honest?

Worship has been one of the most difficult things for me. I love being here at Ozarks, but it's impossible to be able to go to something without thinking if he's going to be there. I want to worship and have that relationship with God that I crave for in a man everyday. I know that I'll never be able to find true love until I realize that God created it. I thought my spiritual life was all figured out, but it just relied on other people. I couldn't have a relationship with God unless I was learning from someone close to me. 

So maybe this is a blessing. I hate to say that. I hate to think that losing something that was so dear to me could possibly bring me something greater.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 
~ Jeremiah 29:11 

UOI,
Becca

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Murder....

This past week has been so simple! All my tutoring sessions were canceled because of test schedules so my normal working schedule that I was just getting use to was put all out of whack!

I've been trying to dig into the Bible a little bit more so part of my attempt brought me to a random Bible verse generator. The first verse that popped up?
"Thou shall not kill." (Exodus 20:13)

What does that verse mean? Is it as straight forward as we think it is? Do not kill. Do not kill what? Of course it means humans, right? If it meant anything else then we would all be screwed! If it meant animals, our food supply would be extremely different. If it meant bugs, then we're all going to hell! What if it meant our gardens and grass? Guess we're going to have to paint our thumbs green!

What if something so straight-forward meant something so much deeper? If that was possible, our lives would mean something different. Thou shall not kill... Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.

Those sound familiar. We were always taught to act in that manner when we were younger, but if we look at not living in Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, and Self-Control we are killing opportunities that God has for us. We are slowly but surely killing ourselves. 

My parents always told me I could choose from one of two paths: The hard way or the easy way. That raises the question... Is the hard way actually hard or is it just different lessons? I don't think any of us could ever imagine "the easy way". 

From my experience of the last 19 years, I've come to understand that "the hard way" is a great excuse an elder can give you whenever you screw your life up. How many of you have experienced that? Something bad happens and after a few weeks of the love and care, people start confessing to you that it was all your fault in the beginning. You chose a more difficult path and now you have to deal with the consequences.

Thou shall not kill. 

Stop killing yourselves.
Be...
Joyful
Loving
Peaceful
Patient
Kind
Good
Gentle
Self-Controlling

God has a beautiful plan for you.

UOI,
Becca

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Big FAT "F"....

By now you all know how dangerous it is when I start to think. 

Well, guess what? I've been thinking. 

I really enjoy writing because it allows me to show my full personality without the feeling of having to hold back. Honestly, I'm too lazy to proof-read. Do you ever have those moments when you write a paper for a class, know it's a masterpiece and turn it in without looking over it? Makes perfect sense if you really think about it? Why read something again if it's a true masterpiece. It came from your brain and made perfect sense, so it should do the same for the whole entire world. 

Too bad you got an "F". 

That's right. Not only if your grade ruined, but so is your whole entire day. The one thing that you had so much confidence in lied to you. The thing that sucks the most is that it was yourself. 

I lied to myself about a lot of things this past year. The biggest lie? "I am okay." That's the thing though, I wasn't okay. I was in a horrible place and couldn't realize it because my brain was convinced it was a masterpiece. I never took the chance to proof-read what was going on. I was living in the future with full confidence in my ability to see when disaster was going to strike. 

Disaster struck. I didn't see it coming. I broke into a million pieces. The thing that stinks the worse, I was the one that broke myself. I could have seen it coming! If only I would have listened to that little voice in the back of my head. My relationship with God went on hold for a while this past month. Just when I was diving deep into God's will, shit hit the fan. What do I do? Blame God. I didn't even want to tell God that I was angry at Him. How does that happen? A girl that goes to church her whole entire life and now can't even talk to God?! Impossible.

I actually started going through all the Bible Verses and sermons from youth group. The one that came into my head a lot was "The Vending Machine." It was a sermon that Mike preached a million times and it stuck in my head. He always said to never treat God like a vending machine. You can't just expect to get something whenever you ask or whenever you're ready. God's answer might be "No" or "Not now." So, with all of that said, I didn't feel like I had the right to ask any favors. First of all, I was pissed. Second, I didn't think it was right to ask God to heal my broken heart when I didn't even proof-read my situation.

Ouch. That hits home. You get that "masterpiece" of a paper back with a shiny red "F" only to ask the teacher why SHE (or he) GAVE you that grade. Was it really the teacher's fault that you didn't proof-read? Is it their fault if you fail at life? 

If we look at Luke Chapter 2, we see Jesus as a child soaking up anything that the "teachers" can tell him. Aren't we supposed to be doing that? Learning and applying? 

After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers.
~ Luke 2:46-47

Are you proof-reading? 

UOI,
Becca