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Friday, September 20, 2013

Unwanted Advice...

There are things that are going on in my life that are hard to talk about on here. I always used this as an outlet to be honest with my readers and help them understand life through my mistakes and experiences. 

Truth be told? I'm only 19. I haven't seen as much life as my mother or father. Now, my question for you stands... Does my opinion, experiences, and mistakes matter? Do I have to wait another 30 years for my life story to become good advice? Is it politically correct for me to have this blog, ranting about my life? I would like to think that it's okay! But then again all I do is worry about what other people think of me. 

Tonight, I'm sitting in my bed watching "The Nanny" thinking about all the things that I miss in life. Last year there was always something for me to do because of my friendships and relationship that I had. I was always guaranteed some sort of entertainment. Now, I feel like I'm stuck in a place with no where to go. There is no one that has to be with me because there is no commitment. No one has to be with me, nor wants to be. Does that sound like I'm asking for pity? Well, I'm not. I'm simply painting a picture of my life, showing you the mistakes that I made and how I'm dealing with them. 

My relationship was the best thing that could have happened to me last year. I was in a place where I needed someone to guide me. I wouldn't have listened to any friend or teacher, but a boyfriend? I listened. I listened because I was interested in the "greener grass." I knew that everyone that was married or dating was always so happy all the time. I wanted to understand what it was like to give my life to someone who was willing to give me just a slice of their life back to me. My expectations ruined my reality. I believe in people too much to let go and be myself. I worry too much to find myself within myself. I am too dependent on other people. 

How would people describe me? Obsessive? Clingy? Selfish? Stupid? Fat? Ugly? Wrong? Abnormal?

I started to look at these words people would describe me with embraced them. Instead of people bringing me down all the time, I would rather me bring myself down. I looked at myself and thought, that if that's what they see in me, then it must be true. 

Then I get in a relationship. He loves me. Just the way I am? So that means I'm allowed to be myself? Negative. I be the person that everyone else wants to be. Maybe that way he'll stick around just a little bit longer. I fall in love. I give him everything. I share my family, my life, my story, and my fears. I gain weight. I let go. I start to laugh at things I never thought was funny. I slowly break my heart more and more each day. 

What do I do now? I do what I do best. Google it. How do I deal with a break-up? Of course all the tips that people give are good, but not good enough. A professional could tell me how to turn my life around in 3 simple steps and I wouldn't do it. That sounds stupid, but I'm just stubborn I guess. Even though I know that other people are right, I just want to figure things out by myself. I want to believe that my situation is different. I want to believe that my love was true love. I want to believe that he's going to see this and not get frustrated. I hope you understand that losing you, is like experiencing a death. The person that I once knew is no longer alive. I want to believe that September 23rd is going to come around and everything will be okay again. I miss being held and knowing that someone loves me. Is that so wrong? Is that too honest?

Worship has been one of the most difficult things for me. I love being here at Ozarks, but it's impossible to be able to go to something without thinking if he's going to be there. I want to worship and have that relationship with God that I crave for in a man everyday. I know that I'll never be able to find true love until I realize that God created it. I thought my spiritual life was all figured out, but it just relied on other people. I couldn't have a relationship with God unless I was learning from someone close to me. 

So maybe this is a blessing. I hate to say that. I hate to think that losing something that was so dear to me could possibly bring me something greater.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 
~ Jeremiah 29:11 


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