Job...

Job.

I'm not talking about a way of making money. I'm talking about Job, the guy in the Bible that went through completely and utter poop. I really don't know a lot of what happens in Job's life after the first few chapters. I stopped reading it because I couldn't handle how much he had to deal with. I can't even imagine what I would have done if I was his neighbor or even if I was his wife. 

Just as a side note. I just did the most acrobatic move to lean over my bed and reach for my Bible off my desk. I'm pretty impressed with my flexibility. 

So let's open up this holy book up and see what's going on...

If we look at Job 2:9 you hear a very strange quote from his wife. "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!" Part of me thinks that I might have reacted this way. It's the thing that all people tell you. People will bring you down faster than you can bring them up. My heart is a weird place in my life. I knew that some people were bad influences on, but I just couldn't step away. I felt like I was supposed to stay with them and show them God's love. Or is that really what I was thinking? Show them God's love? Help them understand God's will for them? NO. It wasn't that at all. I wanted to fix them. I wanted to be their personal savior, to bad I didn't realize that at the time. Hindsight is 20/20! 

So what is our job as not only Christians, but influences and most importantly, friends. Do we leave when things get bad? I really want to believe that we are supposed to be there for the people that don't know Christ. Isn't that what Jesus did? 

I've got to be honest with you. God just surprised me. I was looking up a particular scripture and discovered a new one. It's called "The Parable of the Ten Bridesmaids." (Matthew 25: 1-13) In a nutshell, Jesus is telling people about his return and that we should be prepared for when it comes. There was five brides that brought extra oil, and then five foolish brides that did not. When the grooms came, they left to get more oil and lost their chance of seeing the grooms. The scripture ended with, "So you, too, must keep watch! For you do not know the day or hour of my return." 

Yes, we need to live prepared for Jesus to come. What all does that entail? Let's keep reading this scripture.. going down to verse 34.
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’
“Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’
“And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’"

It's almost like we forget this. I'm just as guilty as anyone else in this world. Again, it's easy to ignore the "bad influences" so we won't get dragged down, but would there be any bad influences if we wore the armor of God and continued to do what that exact scripture says? We are automatically letting those bad influences defeat us when we ignore them. 

Where did Job's wife go when she left? What would have happened if she would have stayed? She would have been in an environment of praise for everything good and bad.  Sometimes it takes standing in the "rain" for us to learn how to praise God. Even if that means discovering what is making it rain for your acquaintances. Praying for God's will to happen and visiting those who are trapped in their personal prisons is something we should all be doing. Meeting them at their level doesn't mean changing our morals or attitude, it means allowing them to see God in a way that allows them to take the first step. 

No, it will not happen on day one of prayer because we are ultimately wanting God's will, not our view of how they should live. 

By the way... You can comment on here. Nothing is stopping you! Spice it up, ask questions, make me do some more digging in my Bible! I want to learn new things!
 

Peeking over the Coral...

Whew! It's been an INCREDIBLE week and even more incredible day! 

I got to see P!NK in concert on Sunday night, which was amazing! I've never seen some so amazing before! That depression slump that I've been stuck in for the past few months has completely been lifted off of my shoulders. I can't have anything weighing me down anymore!

So let me tell you about this concert... The dancing? Great! Sometime raunchy, but the guys were cute! Haha! The singing? Uhhh.... Put it this way, I run out of breath singing in the shower! I have no idea how she did that!! She was hanging from things, spinning in the air and flying across the arena! Yeah, I was in heaven. This shows how dork I am, but I was watching the Technical Director a majority of the time... Let's just say, I know what I'm going to do with my life! That was awesome! 

In my last blog I told you that I was writing a book, welllll... I finished it this weekend! I'm sending it in for proofing and publishing soon! You'll be able to buy it and help me fund another writing project! (and my college tuition!)

The book is called, "God Knows What Sex Feels Like." I know, how in the world does this have anything to do with being Christian? It sounds bad, but in all actuality, it was pretty healthy for me! The title of this book came from the comedic minds of my best friends, Anna Dean and Sarah Valentine. When school started, I was really going through hardcore depression trying to figure out a lot of things about my personality. I was in my room with Anna and Sarah crying my eyes out with no clue of how to deal with life. I kept saying, "I just want to be really upset at God. Does He even understand how much this hurts?!" To which Sarah replied, "Becca, God knows what sex feels like." 

Wow. I was taken aback with amazement. The most intimate thing on our Earth, the taboo word of most churches, the strongest force of the human race... God not only knows what it feels like.. He created it!! Is that a little weird to think about? 

My book is a small devotional based off of my eight goals for a Christian lifestyle. I started out with twenty, but my pastor from back home reminded me that trying to keep up with all of those things would be an even bigger weight on my shoulders!

Writing this book was the most therapeutic thing that I've ever experienced! I've never been so happy before! I'm finally standing up for myself and what I believe. The shy little girl that let everyone control her is gone. God gave me free-will to experience life, passion, beauty, trials, love and make mistakes. As long as I keep my eye on the prize and keep my life in line with his will, everything will be incredible! 

The next thing that my friends taught me was to "peek over the coral." For the past three months, I really haven't wanted to move on. I knew that if I did, I would be a lot healthier, but I wasn't ready. Sarah told me to take baby steps and tear up things one at a time. Shortly after this speech, she tore a letter that was hanging on my wall. It freaked me out then, but now? I'm pretty content with my life! Actually, swimming into the big open sea has given me so many reasons to be happy! 

Depression will always be something that I have to deal with, but right now... I'm pretty sure I've defeated it. 

Thanks for your prayers!

Big News!

Guess what? I've got big news! Can you believe it? Of course you are dying to hear what this news is! Well... are you ready? I'm writing a book! Actually, a better way to phrase this is.. I'm completing a book! A little bit after school started, I was given the idea by a friend to write a book. It's really been helping me discover a lot of things and delve into scripture!

I'm not going tell you many details, I've only told a couple of people what it's about! After I have a few people read it over, I'm going to try to release it in some form or fashion. This might be really dorky, but I hope to use some of my birthday money to publish it. It might not be the best book in the world, but I think that it will allow other people to think in ways they've never thought before. 

I'm going to keep this blog short tonight considering that I have a class in eight hours! 

Here's to a busy week! 

Becca

Happy Happy Happy...

No, I am not referencing Duck Dynasty... I am in fact HAPPY! 

It's been a long haul to get to Fall Break, but I made it! And all in one piece! It was my first time to go home since coming to school and I was so thrilled! It was nice to sit on my couch and do absolutely nothing.

I got to see a lot of my church family while I was in town. I managed to catch a stray dog and find a family for her! It's always an adventure when I go home!

I did learn a few things while I was home though. It was a good weekend of letting go and letting God take control of the situation. Last week I went to the doctor because I was physically unable to function without sleeping through the day. It was extremely inconvenient. I was so tired of being tired and upset all the time. Ended up that I've been dealing with depression. 

I'm not going to say that my problems are worse than your problems, but it's something that I deal with in my brain. Yes, a lot of things have happened recently to make it worse, but besides that, I'm a normal person just like you. I just have a trigger in my brain that doesn't work properly. I got some good medication to help me as well as a good support system. The past few days of starting this medication, I have seen an incredible difference! 

The hardest things I've been dealing with is Jason Molitor's death. He was such a great man and I can't think of any better way to honor his life than to live out what he taught. I will start by practicing the fruits of the spirit since that is how he lived. Jason was full of love, he always was putting others before himself. He could make you laugh at your own jokes even when you knew they weren’t funny. If you needed a place to cry, he would sit there and give you his shoulder – no words were needed, it was a pure place of peace. Patience must have been his middle name, I never saw him running around in a panic, he knew who was in control and it wasn’t him, it was God. Jason always did acts of random kindness. If he noticed something out of place, he would offer a hand and always a prayer to get things back on track. To live life that happy he must have been grateful! It’s almost like he never wasted a moment when it came to living God’s will. The way he treated his family was with gentleness. He knew the art of being a father and a husband and it was by keeping God in the center of his home. The gentle spirit of God lived in him and he lived it out in his daily life. Even when someone tested his limits, he always extended love. I just think back to the days when his daughters were young. He would hold them in his arms for the whole church service, kiss their forehead and sing with them. With all the work that he did I can’t imagine the stress he had to deal with, but you could never tell. It wasn’t that he held it all in, but he had self-control. He put his energy into doing good things for others. Jason was good, full of these fruits and more. 

It would be a shame to water down my life and become mad at God for taking him away, that wouldn’t do me any good. Jason left a legacy and even though his life was short, he taught me in a tangible way how to be a follower of Jesus Christ. What will I do in my life to show God I was grateful for Jason? I will live with Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gratefulness, and Self-Control! (Galatians 5:22-23)

Before I sign off I want to ask a favor of you all. One of my very good friends is going through something that I believe is one of the toughest things a girl can deal with. Please lift her up in your prayers that she might take the time to heal and understand that God's will has a point! 

UOI,
Becca

Remembering Jason...

Monday afternoon as I was tutoring a student, my phone rang. I got the news that a dear friend and mentor of mine had passed, Jason Molitor. I didn't want to believe that it was true. I still don't want to believe that it's true. 

Grief does weird things to people. I couldn't help but want to call him as soon as I found out. I just wanted to talk to him and tell him that he made a difference in my life. Jason was one of the first people to introduce me to Jesus as my personal savior. I didn't understand what he was talking about at the time, but now I see what he was doing. He was preparing me for the moments where temptation and trouble would come. 

When I decided to come to University of the Ozarks, I knew that I would be okay because Jason was only 30 minutes down the road. He was always encouraging to me especially during the first semester of college. He was always so inviting when I came to the Wesley Foundation. Our friendship started way before college, he was at the Wesley Foundation in Arkadelphia while I was in middle school. I remember being the honorary 13 year old college student. I would go to the services and hang out with all the students, making memories every single time. 

Jason was one of the people that I could call and he would listen to me cry. Before I got the news yesterday, I was going to call him and tell him about things that were going on in my life. 

I keep trying to tell myself not to laugh, but whenever I think about the times that Jason and I spent together all I do is laugh. He was always there to put a smile on my face, even when I didn't want one. One of the biggest jokes that Jason and I had were about shoes. One day we were talking about ice skating and I told him that my dad still had his ice skating shoes. Apparently, the correct title for ice skating shoes is "ice skates". Every single time we would see each other we would ask each other what type of shoes we were wearing. He was there for all those big life moments for me. One of my favorite pair of shoes that he would wear was his, "I'm going to make you laugh shoes" along with the "Preaching shoes". 

I'm sad to say that I will be wearing my "See you later shoes" on Thursday and Friday. You are already missed Jason. I wish I could tell you how much of a difference that you made in my life. Much love brother, I'll see you on the other side. 

UOI,
Becca

Inhumane...

in·hu·mane  ˈinhyo͞oˈmān

adjective

1.

without compassion for misery or suffering; cruel.

 

That word describes me. It must. I do things that are completely uncalled for. I hold expectations for myself and then fail. Not only do I fail, but I fail in such a way that people run away from me. 

 

My whole life has been about being dependent.

Baby... Parents

School-age... Teachers

Teenage... Community

Confirmation... God

College.... Me?

There's no way I could be dependent on my own decisions. I don't think that anyone could. So, we have friends, mentors, teachers, preachers, presidents, parents. Do we really listen to them though? We would rather listen to things that aren't there to help us. Why? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

I've tried in my short lifetime to make solid decisions, they don't always happen, but I try. Most of the time it doesn't look like I try, in fact it looks like I could care less. Do I actually care about my life? Do I actually try to be a Christian? Am I living in the way that GOD wants me to live? I would like to put forth that face, but I don't. Do I read my Bible? Sometimes. Do I go to church? Occasionally. 

I feel as if I'm beating myself up day after day by living this Christian life. I hold such high expectations for myself and I can't even follow them. I can't even follow my own advice. I don't want to follow my own advice. I don't care. 

When people give me advice, I freak out. I must follow it. If I don't, I will not be approved. Friends become just common people. People are disappointed in me. People don't care about me. People that I used to be able to share everything with don't want to be in contact with me. 

So there you have it. I make mistakes. I do stupid things. I have problems. You probably have the same problems, but it's easier to make me feel like shit instead of looking in the mirror. No, your problems are not the same as mine, but it doesn't mean that mine are worse than yours. 

 

In fact, it means that we're BOTH human.

Becca

Magic Pill

You know those issues in your life that just don't go away? You try everything, and you might even be happy for a day or even a week, but eventually it comes right back and all the sudden your life becomes uncontrollable. At this point you have a few choices, you either ignore the situation and make yourself extremely busy, or allow yourself to face the issue. 

Let's say that you choose to face the issue. What exactly are you facing? Now I'm not talking about the exact problem, I'm talking about the severity. Are you completely prepared for battle? 

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is David and Goliath. Goliath was so big, and all David had was a pebble and a sling. It makes me think of the issues that I face with on a daily basis and how I deal with them. Most of the time I waste all my energy preparing to battle small problems with all my energy. It makes me weak and tired so when something life-changing is put in front of me, I don't know how to handle it. I start to blame God looking at the resources that I have left. I see my small pebbles and sling and forget the power that it holds. The power of faith. There is power in all of the things that we use to defeat our issues. Some of those things can be destructive. Our words, actions, and way of life, can smite our issues or mask them, But our faith is the one weapon that can heal us and our problems. 

Use your pebble to defeat your issues while working on your relationship with God. Allow your faith to grow while you face your problems each and everyday. 

... to be continued....

UOI,
Becca

Being Happy...

This past weekend was really hard for me. I was trying really hard to avoid feelings that I knew were going to occur this week! How I handled it was pretty selfish. I tried to convince my friends to move off campus with me so I could get a dog. 

I know. A dog? Yes, a dog! I went to the animal shelter and fell in love with a puppy. For at that point and time I was holding something that loved me unconditionally. It didn't matter what I looked like, how I acted, nothing mattered! He just loved me! 

I can't thank all of you enough for being there for me the past few days. All the texts, comments and phone calls helped me to understand what true happiness is! You all picked me up when I was down and I can't express to you how much that means to me! 

Today, at MCM (Methodist Campus Ministries) lunch, we had an overwhelming amount of people show up. It was one of the largest lunches we've had in a very long time! I was so excited to see so many new faces! The Bible verse that we discussed was:
“ 'Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.' "
~John 15:5

We talked about staying connected to the source and united as one when we need more encouragement! One of the things that the speaker said really made sense to me! He said, "In college it's really easy to think about preparing for our calling when in all actuality, God has a calling for us right now."

That was like a big punch in the face! And very needed! I don't have to wait three more years to do the work of the Lord, I can do it right here and now! Same with you... Don't wait any longer!

When I was getting ready to go on my diet I remember my Spanish teacher telling me something really important. "Why start something tomorrow that you can start today?" If you want to change something in your life, do it! Don't dream about the results, make it happen. Same with the work of the Lord. If you want to change the world, do it! If you want to spread the gospel but your afraid you're too young, old, short, tall, sinful, holy.. whatever! Don't let anything hold you back. Jesus didn't hold back anything when he sacrificed himself for you, so you shouldn't have to either. 

You are loved.

UOI,
Becca

Unwanted Advice...

There are things that are going on in my life that are hard to talk about on here. I always used this as an outlet to be honest with my readers and help them understand life through my mistakes and experiences. 

Truth be told? I'm only 19. I haven't seen as much life as my mother or father. Now, my question for you stands... Does my opinion, experiences, and mistakes matter? Do I have to wait another 30 years for my life story to become good advice? Is it politically correct for me to have this blog, ranting about my life? I would like to think that it's okay! But then again all I do is worry about what other people think of me. 

Tonight, I'm sitting in my bed watching "The Nanny" thinking about all the things that I miss in life. Last year there was always something for me to do because of my friendships and relationship that I had. I was always guaranteed some sort of entertainment. Now, I feel like I'm stuck in a place with no where to go. There is no one that has to be with me because there is no commitment. No one has to be with me, nor wants to be. Does that sound like I'm asking for pity? Well, I'm not. I'm simply painting a picture of my life, showing you the mistakes that I made and how I'm dealing with them. 

My relationship was the best thing that could have happened to me last year. I was in a place where I needed someone to guide me. I wouldn't have listened to any friend or teacher, but a boyfriend? I listened. I listened because I was interested in the "greener grass." I knew that everyone that was married or dating was always so happy all the time. I wanted to understand what it was like to give my life to someone who was willing to give me just a slice of their life back to me. My expectations ruined my reality. I believe in people too much to let go and be myself. I worry too much to find myself within myself. I am too dependent on other people. 

How would people describe me? Obsessive? Clingy? Selfish? Stupid? Fat? Ugly? Wrong? Abnormal?

I started to look at these words people would describe me with embraced them. Instead of people bringing me down all the time, I would rather me bring myself down. I looked at myself and thought, that if that's what they see in me, then it must be true. 

Then I get in a relationship. He loves me. Just the way I am? So that means I'm allowed to be myself? Negative. I be the person that everyone else wants to be. Maybe that way he'll stick around just a little bit longer. I fall in love. I give him everything. I share my family, my life, my story, and my fears. I gain weight. I let go. I start to laugh at things I never thought was funny. I slowly break my heart more and more each day. 

What do I do now? I do what I do best. Google it. How do I deal with a break-up? Of course all the tips that people give are good, but not good enough. A professional could tell me how to turn my life around in 3 simple steps and I wouldn't do it. That sounds stupid, but I'm just stubborn I guess. Even though I know that other people are right, I just want to figure things out by myself. I want to believe that my situation is different. I want to believe that my love was true love. I want to believe that he's going to see this and not get frustrated. I hope you understand that losing you, is like experiencing a death. The person that I once knew is no longer alive. I want to believe that September 23rd is going to come around and everything will be okay again. I miss being held and knowing that someone loves me. Is that so wrong? Is that too honest?

Worship has been one of the most difficult things for me. I love being here at Ozarks, but it's impossible to be able to go to something without thinking if he's going to be there. I want to worship and have that relationship with God that I crave for in a man everyday. I know that I'll never be able to find true love until I realize that God created it. I thought my spiritual life was all figured out, but it just relied on other people. I couldn't have a relationship with God unless I was learning from someone close to me. 

So maybe this is a blessing. I hate to say that. I hate to think that losing something that was so dear to me could possibly bring me something greater.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 
~ Jeremiah 29:11 

UOI,
Becca

Murder....

This past week has been so simple! All my tutoring sessions were canceled because of test schedules so my normal working schedule that I was just getting use to was put all out of whack!

I've been trying to dig into the Bible a little bit more so part of my attempt brought me to a random Bible verse generator. The first verse that popped up?
"Thou shall not kill." (Exodus 20:13)

What does that verse mean? Is it as straight forward as we think it is? Do not kill. Do not kill what? Of course it means humans, right? If it meant anything else then we would all be screwed! If it meant animals, our food supply would be extremely different. If it meant bugs, then we're all going to hell! What if it meant our gardens and grass? Guess we're going to have to paint our thumbs green!

What if something so straight-forward meant something so much deeper? If that was possible, our lives would mean something different. Thou shall not kill... Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.

Those sound familiar. We were always taught to act in that manner when we were younger, but if we look at not living in Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, and Self-Control we are killing opportunities that God has for us. We are slowly but surely killing ourselves. 

My parents always told me I could choose from one of two paths: The hard way or the easy way. That raises the question... Is the hard way actually hard or is it just different lessons? I don't think any of us could ever imagine "the easy way". 

From my experience of the last 19 years, I've come to understand that "the hard way" is a great excuse an elder can give you whenever you screw your life up. How many of you have experienced that? Something bad happens and after a few weeks of the love and care, people start confessing to you that it was all your fault in the beginning. You chose a more difficult path and now you have to deal with the consequences.

Thou shall not kill. 

Stop killing yourselves.
Be...
Joyful
Loving
Peaceful
Patient
Kind
Good
Gentle
Self-Controlling

God has a beautiful plan for you.

UOI,
Becca

Big FAT "F"....

By now you all know how dangerous it is when I start to think. 

Well, guess what? I've been thinking. 

I really enjoy writing because it allows me to show my full personality without the feeling of having to hold back. Honestly, I'm too lazy to proof-read. Do you ever have those moments when you write a paper for a class, know it's a masterpiece and turn it in without looking over it? Makes perfect sense if you really think about it? Why read something again if it's a true masterpiece. It came from your brain and made perfect sense, so it should do the same for the whole entire world. 

Too bad you got an "F". 

That's right. Not only if your grade ruined, but so is your whole entire day. The one thing that you had so much confidence in lied to you. The thing that sucks the most is that it was yourself. 

I lied to myself about a lot of things this past year. The biggest lie? "I am okay." That's the thing though, I wasn't okay. I was in a horrible place and couldn't realize it because my brain was convinced it was a masterpiece. I never took the chance to proof-read what was going on. I was living in the future with full confidence in my ability to see when disaster was going to strike. 

Disaster struck. I didn't see it coming. I broke into a million pieces. The thing that stinks the worse, I was the one that broke myself. I could have seen it coming! If only I would have listened to that little voice in the back of my head. My relationship with God went on hold for a while this past month. Just when I was diving deep into God's will, shit hit the fan. What do I do? Blame God. I didn't even want to tell God that I was angry at Him. How does that happen? A girl that goes to church her whole entire life and now can't even talk to God?! Impossible.

I actually started going through all the Bible Verses and sermons from youth group. The one that came into my head a lot was "The Vending Machine." It was a sermon that Mike preached a million times and it stuck in my head. He always said to never treat God like a vending machine. You can't just expect to get something whenever you ask or whenever you're ready. God's answer might be "No" or "Not now." So, with all of that said, I didn't feel like I had the right to ask any favors. First of all, I was pissed. Second, I didn't think it was right to ask God to heal my broken heart when I didn't even proof-read my situation.

Ouch. That hits home. You get that "masterpiece" of a paper back with a shiny red "F" only to ask the teacher why SHE (or he) GAVE you that grade. Was it really the teacher's fault that you didn't proof-read? Is it their fault if you fail at life? 

If we look at Luke Chapter 2, we see Jesus as a child soaking up anything that the "teachers" can tell him. Aren't we supposed to be doing that? Learning and applying? 

After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers.
~ Luke 2:46-47

Are you proof-reading? 

UOI,
Becca

Deodorant

At 9:56pm as I was getting out of the shower, I went to reach for my leave-in conditioner, but instead reached for my deodorant. It would be assumed that I would notice such a different shape and mixture in my hand, but I didn't. I continued to put my deodorant on, as I went to put the cap on I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself, "Why did you put on deodorant before you're going to bed?" It doesn't make sense at all to do such a thing as freshen a newly cleaned body right before bed. Or does it?

I examined this subject a little bit farther, deodorant. The purpose of this product is to prevent future stench from escaping into public. It's not to cover up stench that might already be there. Unless you're like me and often forget to put it on util it's too late. Looking at the purpose of such a simple invention can make you examine your own life. I started thinking about all the things that I do in my life to prepare for "stench". Living in Arkansas, I've come to an understanding that tornado season isn't a joke. What do I do? Make a safety box with all the items needed and place it in my safe room. In case a tornado were to come, I would be prepared. That's an obvious one, but there are other things I must think about as well. What happens when I say something I shouldn't in public, offend someone, even scar someone permanently? There's not a safety box for those things I can always be carrying around. If I did have one, it would weigh me down pretty heavy.

Just in this past day I've started to realize that my true deodorant is Jesus. He's already died for my sins. He's paid the FULL price, not just part. I have to have FULL faith in him that He (the creator of the universe and my life) just might happen to know what He is doing. He protects me from the stench of my sin. 

Let's get this right though. God isn't a cover up for the stench that's already there. He isn't a can of axe. He's the protection before we put ourselves in situations where we will sweat. That's why we have the Bible. To prepare us, keep our water running to clean us off after a long day. 

Deodorant. All of this came from me putting on deodorant before going to bed. 

UOI,

Becca

148 Days Later... I'm Putting My Foot Down.

That's right. It's been a total of 148 days since I wrote on here. 

What happened? Life. Actually, to be more specific... LIFE. 
Makes sense, right? There's a complete difference between life and LIFE. Just like there's a difference from being IN the world and OF the world. That's scripture. God tells us not to be OF this world. The way it was described to me when I was in middle school was this:

"It's like going on a boat ride. Following God's path is staying in the boat. Your in the world. But as soon as you leave the boat and get in the water, you become consumed. The world surrounds you, gets inside you and changes your appearance."

In short, the world has consumed, changed, and tested my ability to "stay above water". I have completely separated myself from God and His will this whole summer because of my stubbornness. I love my life, but I do not love it without God. I haven't done anything wild. No drugs or running in the opposite direction of my family, actually that part of my life has been pretty grand. I've gotten a lot closer to my family this summer. I've come to realize that my family isn't such a horrible invention. They have held my hand through some pretty thick stuff recently. 

This past Friday I went to one of my good friend's CD release party. In one of his songs he repeats the phrase, "I need to be saved from myself". Don't we all. We are the ones that decide to jump into the water. The boat that God gives us is safe and can stand the waves, we just refuse to put in the work of paddling through and riding the rough spots. There are no other excuses to our life situations besides our self. That's a really unfortunate thing for me to write because I really seriously HATE hearing it. I've put myself in a situation where I wanted to live with a limited prayer life, church life, etc. I did it. It wasn't my anxiety, relationship, family, home life, NOTHING except ME. 

Now the point where I would normally beat myself up, cause myself to be put in a panic, and continue down the same path with different excuses. Not tonight. Tonight I'm putting my foot down. Nothing controls me excepts for my choice to follow my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Money, school, pressure, stress, and most of all, anxiety will not control me. Tonight I will rest in comfort that I make my own choices and my choice is to follow God.

"I’m asking God for one thing,
    only one thing:
To live with him in his house
    my whole life long.
I’ll contemplate his beauty;
    I’ll study at his feet."
~ Psalm 27:4 

UOI,
Becca 
 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."
~ Romans 12:2

Faith....

I'm trying something new and it's a way different then ever before. 

I'm depending my faith on God and only God. 

Wait a second? Did I just say that?! How can I be writing all these Christian posts and not have faith in God? Simple. I had my faith in God through other people. That's what most people do if you think about it.

You a see a unmarried person that you know goes to church looking at pregnancy tests in Walmart. What does your brain automatically say? "Oh my goodness. She's pregnant? She's having sex outside of marriage? But She's a Christian! She goes to church! It's fakers like her that ruin our faith!"

WHY?! Why is SHE ruining YOUR faith?! Hense it's YOUR faith! 

Why do YOU believe in God? Is it because you were raised to? You met a person that made a difference in your life that was a Christian? You came to understand that you need God in your life?

I did that once or twice. I depended my full faith on one person. I didn't have a relationship that was directly God and I. I had a middle man. It didn't seem like it was a problem because I was constantly at church, but when you realize that these people that are middle men between you and God are indeed human, it destroys your faith. You have to start all over. 

Going to church is a great thing, don't get me wrong. It helps you to connect and relate with other believers, but it shouldn't become the only way you connect with God. Take time to make reasons for you to have your own faith!

I started this last semester... slowly letting go. That is my advice to you. Slowly let go of your middle man and allow the relationship that you have between you and God be between you and God. Don't take anyone elses words become higher than HIS. 

Our Calling is to draw people to Jesus through our actions... being the light of the world... That's a lot to swallow though... Now we're on the other side of the coin. What happens when people see actions we do and take them higher then God's word? Do we beat ourselves up? 

Take a while to chew on this first topic... and then we'll look to scripture for this second part. 

UOI,

Becca

Realizations....

This weekend I attended a youth event called VERITAS. This event is sponsored by the Arkansas United Methodist Conference Council on Youth Ministry which was a big part of my life while I was in high school. I remember helping to plan youth events and thinking that when things weren't going exactly the way that we planned, it was all going to fail. I never thought for a split second that God was powerful to take power over our mistakes. 

Being an adult that the event this weekend was very different. I was there for one purpose only, to do Media for the worship services. In the meantime I took the time to study for my midterm. I saw things from a totally different view and it was incredible. During the first night of worship I noticed a familiar man standing against the wall, our new Bishop for the Arkansas Conference. At first I was shocked that he was there, but then thought that maybe he was just there to make an appearance on Friday night. But no, he was there all weekend long. I was so impressed and I just had to tell him that. We had a good long conversation about ministry and youth in the church. It was incredible to talk to an elder in the church that legitimately cared and was not only willing to listen, but talk back. I was thinking about the last time that happened for me, and I don't think it has. It was one of those conversations that I will remember for a lifetime. 

There was a recurring theme that I noticed at this youth event. When I noticed it, I thought back on my years in middle and high school and things started to make lots of sense. Leaders, speakers, adults were all preparing the youth for the bad things that were going to happen in their life. It was almost like they were convincing them that the only time you can have a relationship with God is when you are asking for forgiveness.  As amazing as it is to feel the repentance that Jesus provided for us on the cross, we should also remember the life that He has given us. We are free in His love and that's what makes us special. We are brothers and sisters because of Christ's sacrifice, but also because of HIS story. We should not forget how to live this life within the rules that He has provided, but we also shall not dwell on that. If all we do is worry about our past sin and future sin, we are putting His sacrifice to shame. 

God desires to be a part of our story. To walk hand in hand with us in the garden. We are a new generation that is the church NOW! Let's stand up and use our free will to live the life God desires and wants in us.

One song that we sang this weekend was called "One Thing Remains" the lyrics for one part of the song goes a little like this:

On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains

That's just it. When everything is gone and we focus completely on God we realize that one thing truly remains... His love. We never have to live in fear because of the sin we have or will commit in the future. God is there constant.... The change doesn't have to be a trial.. it can be us fully surrendering to His will in our everyday life. 

Pray about this and allow yourself to love others unconditionally.

The men turned away and went toward Sodom, but Abraham remained standing before the Lord. Then Abraham approached him and said: “Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked? What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? Will you really sweep it away and not spare the place for the sake of the fifty righteous people in it? Far be it from you to do such a thing—to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?”
The Lord said, “If I find fifty righteous people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake.”
Then Abraham spoke up again: “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes what if the number of the righteous is five less than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city for lack of five people?”“If I find forty-five there,” he said, “I will not destroy it.”
Once again he spoke to him, “What if only forty are found there?”
He said, “For the sake of forty, I will not do it.”
Then he said, “May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak. What if only thirty can be found there?”He answered, “I will not do it if I find thirty there.”
Abraham said, “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, what if only twenty can be found there?”
He said, “For the sake of twenty, I will not destroy it.”
Then he said, “May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak just once more. What if only ten can be found there?”
He answered, “For the sake of ten, I will not destroy it.”
When the Lord had finished speaking with Abraham, he left, and Abraham returned home.
         ~Genesis 18:22-33


UOI,
Becca

Something Out There....

I've been thinking about this post all week long. I usually am not one to use vulgar words (or at least not anymore.. I'm trying my best to stop!) so it was making it very difficult to piece this post together. I was seriously thinking about naming this post a random cuss word just to catch your attention. it would though? Wouldn't it? After all the posts that I've wrote about becoming closer to God and my family, it would probably catch you a little bit by surprise. 

Have you ever came across someone that you put so high on a pedestal and then discovered one of their deepest darkest secrets? It takes you back a little bit, makes you think not only about them, but your relationship with them. 

"Has everything been a lie?"
"Do I really know them?"
"Why did they do this to themselves?"
"Did they think about anyone before they did that?"
"What will others think?"

Then they stump you with one single sentence...
"Please don't tell anyone about this."

You start to become nervous. You know that you won't be able to keep this a secret! It's way too good to keep all to yourself! You have no plans to tell the whole world to embarrass them, you just need someone to confide in. Before they told you that single sentence, it didn't cross your mind, but now it's a must. Still, you respond...
"Of course. This won't leave this room."

It sticks out there like a sore thumb in your mind every time you see them. All the good thoughts you ever had about them are completely gone and all you can see is the mess they've made of themselves. You have become the person that you hate. A judge-mental person. 

Since when did this happen to us? We see a Christian high school boy go down the condom aisle or a preacher walk down the ghetto, a best friend confess that he's suicidal or a parent admit they had an affair. All of these things shock us to a point where can't even comprehend where we are. 

Is this a bad thing that we think this way or is it human for us to make these connections?

The process of forgiveness is hard for us, but if we felt as if we never had to forgive them... Would there be a difference?

I know this may sound way too easy, but is it really in our place to have that resentment? We can tell them all day long that God forgives them with open arms and hope it registers in their brain, but does it ever register in our brain?

God has already forgiven them! He sent His ONLY son to die on a cross for all of us! He was PERFECT, we are not. We can not rate our sins and base them on our own scale, we need to put it on God's scale which says that ALL sin is equal. 

So think the next time before you think. 

UOI,
Becca

"College Sweet College"......

This weekend was way too short! I had so much fun being at home, but I wasn't ready to go back right away. The three hour drive makes it harder for me to leave, and if Max wasn't with me then I probably would have stayed on Sunday night and left Monday morning! 

Having Max home with me was incredible! I seriously felt like the family was all there and nothing was missing. I told Max that him being with me is like my complicated puzzle called life is completed. I'm so lucky to find a best friend that I can share my life and family with! 

His first stop when we came into town was Chicken Express! Oh yeah... It's better than Dodges. He admitted it! Score! He got to meet Shannon and Anna and that was so much fun! We talked about things that were going on in our life and other stuff! After eating we made an impromptu visit to see Shannon's Family and Bean. I was so excited to see him and hold him! I miss that kid so much! He was pretty sick this weekend, but just seeing him made everything better! He then got the chance to meet the parents and it was amazing! They love him so much! I'm so excited to find a guy that fits in so well with my family! 

Heading back to College was bittersweet, but I let Max drive so I wouldn't fall asleep! He ended up talking my ear off about random stuff... I couldn't have found someone more like my dad! Haha! He's so funny when he starts rambling! 

Overall, I'm back here in College and today I'll get to see one of my best friends, Phoebe, as she tours the school! I hope she finds this place as a home to her as much as I do! I would love to share memories with her!

Before I go, I want to put out a special prayer request. One of my friends is having a rough time and I just ask that you lift her up! She really needs it! 

This is Max and I at Lake DeGray during the sunset! 

UOI,
Becca

Going Home....

The past few weeks being back at school have been incredible! Classes are going great and I'm really starting to get the hang of college work and I'm getting ahead in things! My sickness is disappearing and I'm slowly not having as many symptoms that I was during break! This is one of the things that I'm the most excited about! I've been able to hang out with my incredible friends, but one thing that makes me smile just thinking about it is being able to be with Maxwell! I've been so excited to be with him this past month after a month of being apart! 

Yesterday was Valentines Day and he kept telling me that he wasn't going to do anything! I was getting a little frustrated, but I knew in the back of my head that he was going to do something! Well he didn't just do something... he blew me away! When I got out of my 4 o' clock class one of my friends was waiting for me outside of Smith Dorms. She insisted that her and I go to Colton's Steakhouse in Russellville! Soooo, being the good friend that I am, I decided to go with her since Max wasn't answering his phone. When we were about ten minutes away, he texted me and was surprised that we actually were going out to eat because he wanted to be with me on Valentine's day. I didn't tell that to Anna Dean because I didn't want to ditch her or anything, so I just kept on going. I was thinking that Max was just going to be at Colton's with a table and everything... but no. We pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car. Anna Dean told me to get back in the car and put a blindfold on me! She then drove me back to Clarksville (Which of course I didn't know where we were at all!) and my first stop was my desk in the Newsroom. When I opened the top a rose fell out with a note that said, "One rose for a cozy and romantic dinner..." Anna then put the blindfold back on me and drove me to our second stop... Camden Riley's House. I knocked on the door, blindfolded and all to be handed my second rose that said, "A second rose for... A BIG fury gift stuffed with love!" And then I was blindfolded again and taken to my last stop... Smith Dorms. The rose was on my door with a note that said, "And a Third Rose... Wishing you a Lovely Valentines Evening... Enjoy!" It also came with instructions for me to dress nice, but comfortable. After I was done getting ready, I was blindfolded one last time. Anna Dean took me out of the car, and walked me to a door and told me to knock. The door opened and I walked into the room. I felt Max's hand and then he grabbed my face, gave me a kiss, and took off my blindfold. There was rose petals leading to the kitchen table that was set with my favorite meal. Homemade Steak, potatoes, broccoli, rolls... he did it all! Sitting next to him was the most giant teddy bear I have ever seen before! It was so exciting! I've always wanted one of those! It's so big that he takes up my whole bed! 

Last night made me fall in love with him more and more! He made me feel like the most special girl in the world and I couldn't ask for anything else! 

Today, Max and I leave for Arkadelphia and I'm so excited to show him my home! He gets to see my family, friends, and all the places where I grew up! We'll be going to church on Sunday morning, so if you want to stop by and see us, we'll be there, but most importantly, I'll be spending time with my family. I took them for granted so long and threw them under the bus way too much. Having Max in my life has helped me to realize how important family is and why they are in my life. The way that he acts with his family has shown me that I should have been doing that all along! I love you Padre, Mom, and Abby more then you'll ever know! ... And I love you Maxwell for being someone that I can trust, be joyful with, laugh with, cry with, snuggle with, and most of all... Love. I'm pretty sure I'm the happiest girl in the world!

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance

~ 1 Corinthians 13:7, NLT

UOI,
Becca

I told you so.....

I remember when I was getting things ready for college and picking out the kind of decorations that I wanted. I was picking out a lot of stuff that I really liked... Softball, Church, Youth, etc. My sister laughed and told me, "You'll never believe how much your interests change when you spend a little time in college." I didn't really want to believe her because I knew that I would always support my home church, come home to spend time with the youth, still work at camps... all of that stuff! Well, my first semester I did that, but this semester I've kind of stepped back.

I'm noticing that I'm still my crazy, goofy self, but most importantly... the thing that didn't click before... I'm God's work in progress. As much as I talked about God's plan over mine, I was working on my plan. I wanted to get my future taken care of so it would be one less thing to worry about. 

Where I messed up? I kept talking about my past. I can't move forward if I'm too worried about my past. That's where I think it gets messed up for preachers. Since I was always in that mode and I still am because that's a goal for me in life, I would talk about my past to help others not do what I did. It's a great thing to do when you're giving a sermon, helping people realize where you came from and the things you've gone through. BUT... and this is a big but.... that's what the Bible is for, isn't it. Jesus showed us how to live so who are we to tell people how to live from our mistakes?

Maybe that was a little too bold. Just a little bit? The thing is... we are ALL sinners. It's a fact of life. Jesus? He was PERFECT. His life on earth is THE PERFECT EXAMPLE! Let's start depending more of Jesus' life instead of our own to help people get through things in their life. 

I can't talk much because most of the time I'm still stuck in my past.... but maybe... just maybe... doing this... showing the good example will bring Heaven down to earth. Here's to praying!

"You heavens above, rain down righteousness; let the clouds shower it down. Let the earth open wide, let salvation spring up, let righteousness grow with it; I, the LORD, have created it."
~Isaiah 45:8

UOI,
Becca