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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Inhumane...

in·hu·mane  ˈinhyo͞oˈmān
adjective
1.
without compassion for misery or suffering; cruel.
 
That word describes me. It must. I do things that are completely uncalled for. I hold expectations for myself and then fail. Not only do I fail, but I fail in such a way that people run away from me. 
 
My whole life has been about being dependent.
Baby... Parents
School-age... Teachers
Teenage... Community
Confirmation... God
College.... Me?

There's no way I could be dependent on my own decisions. I don't think that anyone could. So, we have friends, mentors, teachers, preachers, presidents, parents. Do we really listen to them though? We would rather listen to things that aren't there to help us. Why? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

I've tried in my short lifetime to make solid decisions, they don't always happen, but I try. Most of the time it doesn't look like I try, in fact it looks like I could care less. Do I actually care about my life? Do I actually try to be a Christian? Am I living in the way that GOD wants me to live? I would like to put forth that face, but I don't. Do I read my Bible? Sometimes. Do I go to church? Occasionally. 

I feel as if I'm beating myself up day after day by living this Christian life. I hold such high expectations for myself and I can't even follow them. I can't even follow my own advice. I don't want to follow my own advice. I don't care. 

When people give me advice, I freak out. I must follow it. If I don't, I will not be approved. Friends become just common people. People are disappointed in me. People don't care about me. People that I used to be able to share everything with don't want to be in contact with me. 

So there you have it. I make mistakes. I do stupid things. I have problems. You probably have the same problems, but it's easier to make me feel like shit instead of looking in the mirror. No, your problems are not the same as mine, but it doesn't mean that mine are worse than yours. 
 
In fact, it means that we're BOTH human.

Becca

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