That's right. It's been a total of 148 days since I wrote on here.
What happened? Life. Actually, to be more specific... LIFE.
Makes sense, right? There's a complete difference between life and LIFE. Just like there's a difference from being IN the world and OF the world. That's scripture. God tells us not to be OF this world. The way it was described to me when I was in middle school was this:
"It's like going on a boat ride. Following God's path is staying in the boat. Your in the world. But as soon as you leave the boat and get in the water, you become consumed. The world surrounds you, gets inside you and changes your appearance."
In short, the world has consumed, changed, and tested my ability to "stay above water". I have completely separated myself from God and His will this whole summer because of my stubbornness. I love my life, but I do not love it without God. I haven't done anything wild. No drugs or running in the opposite direction of my family, actually that part of my life has been pretty grand. I've gotten a lot closer to my family this summer. I've come to realize that my family isn't such a horrible invention. They have held my hand through some pretty thick stuff recently.
This past Friday I went to one of my good friend's CD release party. In one of his songs he repeats the phrase, "I need to be saved from myself". Don't we all. We are the ones that decide to jump into the water. The boat that God gives us is safe and can stand the waves, we just refuse to put in the work of paddling through and riding the rough spots. There are no other excuses to our life situations besides our self. That's a really unfortunate thing for me to write because I really seriously HATE hearing it. I've put myself in a situation where I wanted to live with a limited prayer life, church life, etc. I did it. It wasn't my anxiety, relationship, family, home life, NOTHING except ME.
Now the point where I would normally beat myself up, cause myself to be put in a panic, and continue down the same path with different excuses. Not tonight. Tonight I'm putting my foot down. Nothing controls me excepts for my choice to follow my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Money, school, pressure, stress, and most of all, anxiety will not control me. Tonight I will rest in comfort that I make my own choices and my choice is to follow God.
"I’m asking God for one thing,
only one thing:
To live with him in his house
my whole life long.
I’ll contemplate his beauty;
I’ll study at his feet."
~ Psalm 27:4
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the
renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what
God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."
~ Romans 12:2