Tonight has been one heck of a night. Actually, today has been one heck of a day! I've had class and then more class followed by grocery shopping, Ozarks News Minute, Mustard Seed Worknight, Leadership Forum, Hall Meeting, and now... homework.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. If you don't know me well, then you should know that my biggest weakness is saying, "no." I never want to disappoint anyone and it drains me every single day. Some days are rewarding, and others are just plain dreadful. I have all these people that are telling me to stand up for myself and say no, but I don't want to deal with the damage control. It's a double edged sword; If I say yes to everything, I'm an easy pushover, but if I say no to everything, I'm the witch with a capital B that everyone talks about. What do I do? What direction do I take?
The decisions that I made last year were not to make me happy, actually, I was screaming on the inside. I was so mad at myself for all of the things that I was doing. I just knew that if I stopped I would ended up ruining something. So what road did I take? I waited it out. I kept doing those things and sacrificed my heart. The last thing I wanted to do was break someone's heart, I did what I do best and allowed my heart to be broken and stepped on.
It makes sense when you think about it. I might be a giver, but there's no way in hell that I wanted to give away heartbreak. It sucks and I dealt with the rejection and pain that came with it, but I knew that if I would have been on the other side, I would have regretted it every day. Yes, I'm happy now... most of the time, but all the other times I just think about how much I've screwed up. Life. That's what they call it.
I'm just sitting here waiting! I want a miracle to happen and these people to realize what they've done. I know they never will and I know that I will always live with the blame and guilt convincing myself that it was all my fault. I can't do it any other way.
At this point in the blog I usually associate some sort of scripture to have everything make sense for you, but I can't tonight. I need your help. Show me the scripture that I'm missing! I need you to help me out of the hole that I dug too deep. Just help me. Please.