Have you ever been sitting in a class or at work and all of the sudden your brain wanders off to a memory. The whole entire story plays back through your head and it's like your practically there! All you can do is watch it happen, there's no hope of changing the story. After you snap back to reality all you want to do is bang your head on the table and hope it goes away! I can't express to you how much that has happened to me lately!
Now, it's evident that we have all stories that we aren't proud of, but in all reality are those supposed to define our life? My freshman year was full of mistakes and craziness! I constantly think about those situations that I put myself in and all the stupid ways I acted. When I snapped back to reality in the beginning of my sophomore year, I felt like I was being haunted by these moments. I would have nights where I would cry myself to sleep because I was so upset with myself. During my Christmas break I got to visit my youth minister and we got to talking about how school was going. I remember asking him the question, "When will it all go away? Will I ever be able to move on?" He told me that one day it will seem like it's nothing, but until then it takes a little bit of time to move forward.
It's not that I'm upset with the decisions that I made, I'm just upset with the reasoning behind them. There's no excuse for the way that I acted and I feel as if I won't be able to apologize enough to a few people. I keep telling myself, "You're so stupid Becca!" as if that's going to accomplish anything! I could just blame it on someone else, but that's not going to get me anywhere. I just have to move on... it's easy to type but it's not so easy to do.
I think back to all the things that I dealt with in high school and how those moments don't matter anymore. Is it really going to take me graduating and leaving Ozarks to move forward? I don't want to start my life all over and kick people out just so I can move forward!
When my dad gives me advice, it's either related to farts, poop, or movies. Lately the advice that he has given to me has been based off one particular movie. He describes a scene of the movie where two guys are in a car being chased by some other guys. The guy in the passengers seat looks at the driver pointing at the review mirror saying, "Look, their after us! What are we going to do?" The driver then takes the mirror and rips it off of the window saying, "What's behind us is of no concern."
It seems so true and so easy, but why is it that I don't want to make the step of ripping off the review mirror? Is it because I'm not ready or still have some things to resolve? It brings me back to a Bible verse that I wrote about recently...
"Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns,
for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to
him than they are?" (Matthew 6:26)
This verse talks about worrying. We are constantly worrying about what is going to happen next in our life and if we are going to be able to survive the next day! Recently I've been looking at this verse in a different way. God is going to put the people, things, and activities in my life that I need to move forward and be happy with my life.
Things have gotten a lot better then they were awhile back. I'm now content with the path that my life is heading towards. I have a couple of unknowns that I have to face, but in the end I just know that I'm going to be able to make it and move forward!
Here's to living life one day at a time....